>Oh. Hell. No.
>Now that I’ve returned home from my “vacation,” you’re probably wondering about the state of the house upon my arrival. I had left it in good shape before I went to Atlanta and besides, after this little expose, surely my family members would have learned their lesson, right?
Wrong.
I arrived home to find, first of all, a dead bird on the front step. Now, that’s nasty. But honestly, it was nothing compared to what was inside.
People, my house was trashed. Trashed! My! House! Now, you should know that my standards have relaxed considerably since I began slaving away for living with four kids, but this was bad even by those standards. This was so bad that I literally couldn’t even put Bruiser down until I’d vacuumed the whole downstairs and mopped the kitchen floor.
What was the problem, exactly, you want to know? Well, about a week ago, Hubs removed the Christmas tree. What remained was a trail of thousands of pine needles from the point where our tree stood all the way through the den, down the hall and to the front door. Not an optimal situation for a baby who’s crawling and putting everything he finds into his mouth, is it?
From the looks of the crumbs and stains all over the den floor, Hubs and the girls had piled so much crap on the kitchen and dining room tables that they’d had to resort to eating all of their meals in our den, otherwise known (by me, anyway) as the one-nice-room-in-the-house-so-let’s-not-eat-food-in-it-m’kay? room.
There was dirt. Everywhere. Food stains. Everywhere. Trash. Everywhere. Dirty dishes and pans and food all over the counters. The sink was filthy. The girls’ rooms were filthy. The stairs were filthy. Who am I kidding? Everything was filthy. I cursed a bit, put Bruiser in his exersaucer, and commenced to cleaning. Straight out of the car from a five-hour car trip, I didn’t sit down again until late into the evening.
Being the kind and loving wife that I am, of course I was overjoyed when Hubs called shortly after I had arrived. “What the hell?!” I said furiously. “What! The! Hell!”
“What’s wrong?” he asked innocently.
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!” I shrieked. “I have never in my life! This house is disgusting! Couldn’t you have spent one hour with the girls just sort of cleaning up, or something?! I just can’t even believe…”
I stopped only because I heard a dialtone. Oh, hell no. Dude had hung up on me.
He didn’t call back for a few hours and when he did, he asked me if I was “over” it. “Over it?!” I laughed shrilly. “Over it?!” I launched into another diatribe that ended with “And you’d better bring flowers, or don’t even bother coming home!”
Heh. That sounded good, didn’t it? That last line? But ladies? Don’t use it. Because if your husband does show up without flowers, as mine did, there’s nothing you can really do about it. Except what I did for the rest of the day, which was NOT SPEAK TO HIM. And feel sorry for myself. Because I’m not even worth a cheap Kroger bouquet.
Hubs and I eventually made up, of course. I had no choice, since I don’t think that “He made a big fucking mess!” is legal grounds for divorce. But ohhhh, man. The next time I leave for 12 days with two small children, I’m not coming back until a maid has come through first and cleared a path. If I can find one, that is, who doesn’t flee immediately after stepping through our front door.
>LOL..the advantages (and pitfalls) of singledom: whatever state of array/disarray I leave the place in, it’ll be in when I return. On a scale of Felix Unger to Oscar Madison, I admit I am pretty close on the scale to Oscar…
>Once, before we had kids, I house-sat for a friend for a week. When I got back to my own home and saw what state our apartment was in, I walked right back out, and told my husband that I would not come home until the place was clean.It worked.You can’t keep him from coming home, but you can damn sure stay away yourself until he does something about it.
>OK the dead bird on the front step kills me!I went on a girls’ trip with my best friend last fall and the house was “acceptable” when I got home. But it was teetering dangerously on the edge of nasty ass unacceptable. Thankfully, though, there were no dead birds in the yard!I say you deserve a gift certificate to Molly Maids!Just wait until Valentine’s Day…you should get something great for this. 😉
>Why did YOU clean it?
>I cleaned it because I needed to let Bruiser crawl around. Also I cleaned it because I’m the only one in the house (besides Punky) who thought there was a problem. Wimp. I know.
>I’m lucky.. . . Every time I go on a trip with my two small children, without Husband, he cleans the house. To his standards, but still.
>Wow. I can’t believe they didn’t think to at least get the dishes cleaned up! And no flowers! Dude must be nuts.
>That is a horrible way to return home. I don’t know how things would be now but there was a time when if the Big Guy was home he and Lil’ Bum would have the house spotless. Now that there is another child and he is in to EVERYTHING I don’t know what would happen. Shut, I’m even having trouble keeping on top of things right now.He should’ve brought flowers.
>I’m so with you.I was only gone for a day and a half last week and my house was trashed when I got home. No dead birds, but there wasn’t a single clean dish to be found. We have a combination living room(den)/dining room, so I’m pretty relaxed about eating there; my one big rule is that food does not go anywhere NEAR my leather couch. Guess who was vacuuming crumbs from under the sofa cushions?Grr..
>Ugh. The last time we went on a vacation we our “friend” who was getting ready to move “housesit”, which really meant that we let him live for free for three weeks.When we got home, the house was destroyed. The bathroom was AWFUL…shit stains in the toilet, nasty trash all over the floor including used clearasil pads, pubes in the tub… his crap was all over the house (even in the baby’s room). My feet stuck to the floor when I walked into the kitchen and I couldn’t even SEE the counter. And to top it all off, he had graciously left the wet newspapers he had collected on our kitchen table, thus taking all the finish off.I so know how you feel. I didn’t have a 3 year old, but I did have a 10 month old. I wanted to cry. It’s SO disheartening to come home to that, and so very very disrespectful of your girls and husband.
>Oh Lindsay, I can so relate. I used to do like you and take off with the little ones to go “home” for a week because, well, I could. I would come home to EXACTLY what you descibed. I did exactly what you did and throw a holy hell fest. Over the years things got better (I am married 20 years now) and he is finally sort of picking up and then cleaning the kitchen spotless because that is where you enter at my house and it is my biggest sore spot if it is not clean. Chin up girl, your hubs loves you and he will eventually “get it” it just may take a few trips and a few holy hell fests but he will someday catch on. At least he is a good guy most of the time….and the girls…well I have 2 teens the exact same age and I feel for ya….
>Oh my god. OH MY GOD.I’m really and truly aghast. They would have had to take me away in an ambulance.I think I will give my husband some 0ral pleasure when he gets home in appreciation for how he keeps the house, even when I’m gone.
>I’m really convinced men do not see dirt or smell cat litter. I’ve left for 3 week trips to Hong Kong and come back to a war zone and I only have 1 husband, 3 cats and a dog. It’s disheartening the first 5 times, then I finally decided to get maid service for the duration of the next trip. Nothing has worked from extreme anger to attempts at understanding just how busy he was. I truly sympathize with you.
>JULIE, did you really just write that?! *Laughing hysterically*
>I’m feeling you on this post as well. I’ve never been a steller housekeeper but it’s never ever worse then when I go away for a trip and come back. Ugghh. Nasty. Hubs screwed up by asking THAT question AND not bringing the flowers. He really should make it up to you but his secret reasoning is probably; you left to go on a trip and didn’t take him so he wasn’t going to lift a finger. Just a thought…men!
>Yeah, my husband is the reason we can’t have nice things in our house. For reals.
>My husband asks me several times a year when the kid and I plan to go away so he can deep clean the entire house. Few of us are so lucky, I see. (And, don’t worry, there are, indeed, things I can complain about)
>Oh I know there’s the flip side- I can think of at least two hugely popular bloggers with husbands who are compulsive cleaners and that is every bit as bad as being married to a slob. Maybe worse, because I’d be miserable if he were coming home every day complaining about my/the babies’ messes. All I want is a happy medium…
>Actually, I wasn’t curious about what state your house was in. I just assumed it was still in Tennessee. Was I wrong about that?
>Um, yes, when I arrived home, my house was still in Tennessee. Thanks for asking. 😉
>Heck yeah, I did! And I even told Kyle. ;)Which, considering that I am two weeks away from dropping this baby, is really saying something.
>All I cab think about after reading this is of how whenever my mom was gone for a while we would work so hard to make the house nice again before she got back. Even if it was a mess when she left.I remember her coming home once from a weekend retreat and crying because we had cleaned so well and she was happy. (At least that’s how my 8 year old brain interpreted it. Now My adult brain is not so sure.)I doubt that helps you at all. I guess I’m just kind of in shock that they would do that.
>And now that I’ve read the comments I’m thinking I should take a lesson from mothergoosemouse and show some appreciation for the GH.Last time I went away for two weeks, not only was the house clean, but he had redecorated our bedroom (Tastefully) and hung some favorite paintings that I hadn’t gotten around to hanging yet.(He still leaves his dirty socks lying around the living room though.)
>Steve leaves the house a mess til the night we come home. He does a pretty good job because he knows I’m obsessive. I just try not to think about what happened while I was gone….
>Oh you wanna hear “gross”?My husbands friend housesit our dog for 4 days. Nice guy, very clean, loved the dog, no problem on the surface. But he had a bad case of psoriasis; EVERYTHING in the house, from about waist level down, was covered in a light dusting of skin flakes.
>So I’m not the only one that didn’t read the clause in the parenting contract about being bound to eternal cleaning, even though those that you are a parent to are quite capable of moving their limbs. (As usually demonstrated by picking up their legs so I can sweep/mop under them)
>Oh, Annie. You just made me dry heave. THAT IS DISGUSTING.
>I totally disagree with you about it being grounds for divorce; although I have to say this is not a problem I encounter. I may have, hypothetically, encountered this situation once. I’m pretty sure the sight of my head literally exploding was a deterrent to a repeat performance.My technique now is to give a countdown to my arrival home. I will even call home as I leave work to alert them of my impending arrival and ask them to reflect on whether they think I will find the surroundings to my liking.We have a saying in my house (and it has served us well for many years). If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Words to live by.
>A friend of mine started a blog about this kind of stuff…http://myhusbandscrap.blogspot.com/We also contribute tohttp://mykidsarepigs.blogspot.com/
>I don’t have to even be gone an entire day – and I still come home to that – and my kids are 12 and 14, my husband is 38! I get sick of it, quite honestly. It is the ultimate in disrespect if you ask me. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one with hands, or the only one who knows how to use soap, water and a rag.
>been there, done that. Now I’d have to say I’d turn around, and check into a hotel for the night. When he asks when you will be home, inform him you were- and are not returning until they can show some respect and have your home ready. That stunks!
>Golly, Lucinda, are you sure you want to stick with that lunk? He is all akimbo and stuff.I know! Send him on vacation, trash the house and move into a motel. Ask him kindly, when he returns, has he cleaned the house yet? This could be good….
>Dead bird on the doorstep? That didn’t tell you something? Now you know–it’s an omen; it means turn around and DO NOT COME BACK (until you’ve heard back from the maid service you hired : )
>I made my fiance read this. I am sitting in his apartment in Asheville where I can see approximately 4 square feet of the carpet. In the whole apartment.I used to be a slob myself, but there’s no neat freak worse than a reformed slob, as my kids would be the first to say.You have done a great service for our relationship by giving me someone else to point to….it’s not just me who likes to live in a semi-clean, semi-uncluttered house [which I think is the best you can hope for with kids on a day-to-day basis]. 🙂
>The worst for me was coming home from a 5 day trip. My two children hadn’t had a bath or seen a toothbrush the entire time I was gone … thanks to my normally brilliant husband.Good God! I might be able to understand the bath … but the teeth! I was furious!
>I would have given my husband so much hell for doing something like that, I would have been beyond irate. I am a neat freak, he is not, so there is always compromise at our place. I’m sure if I were gone for twelve days though that he would at least clean up after himself. Sometimes men forget to do the simple things when not prompted to do so from their woman. All you can do is clean it up and go on with your life unfortunately. =(
>I am convinced that my definition of clean is not the same as everyone elses in my household. There is a whole lotta hollering in my house when the kids don’t help keep the house clean. I demand it. I’ve taken out computer systems, tv’s, etc and put them in the garage to prove my point and it works. If they don’t pitch in to help then they have no privileges. I am (and YOU are) not the maid. Those girls are old enough to know what you deem clean to be and hubs too.