>Parenting Dangerously
>When I was very small, I loved sitting on top of the toilet and watching my dad shave. He was so lucky, I thought, to get to rub whipped cream all over his face and then slowly shave it off in strips, revealing skin that, for a few hours anyway, wasn’t quite so scratchy.
And so one day when I was three, I decided to shave my own face. I went upstairs to his room and grabbed his razor, leaving the shaving cream behind since I couldn’t figure out the nozzle anyway. And staring at my reflection in the kitchen window (the only “mirror” I could reach), I began shaving my face, just like Daddy.
At first, it seemed to be going well. But after a few seconds, blood began spilling from my cheek where the dry razor had nicked my skin. I had never seen that much blood in my life. I began screaming for my mom.
I don’t remember my mother getting upset- She quickly figured out what had happened, cleaned me up, and kindly but matter-of-factly told me not to use the razor again. It was the seventies, after all, when the parenting mantra was Accidents Happen. Kids rode bicycles without helmets, played outside without parental supervision and learned to swim by being thrown into the deep end of the B.P.O.E. pool.
But if the same thing had happened to today’s mother, the, what are they calling her now? Alpha Mom? The reaction would have been much different.
Blood?! she’d think to herself. Ohsweetmercifulheavens, my CHILD has BLOOD ALL OVER HER FACE! Get it off! Get it off! GET IT OFF! Okay, she’s starting to scream now, must stay calm. MUST STAY! Oh GOD! CALM! Band-aids! I NEED BAND-AIDS! And, what is it, Bactine! Yes! Because was that razor blade RUSTY? Oh shit, what if my child gets LOCKJAW?! She will NEVER get married with LOCKJAW! If her father was using a rusty blade and she gets LOCKJAW, so HELP ME GOD I WILL SLIT HIS THROAT WITH IT! Okay, honey, STOP SCREAMING! God! The SCREAMING is driving me OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND! Okay. I’ll just put the band-aid right here… and another one here. And one… here. FUCK! This looks horrible! What is my PLAYGROUP going to say? They’ll think I WASN’T WATCHING HER! Well, okay, I wasn’t watching her, but THEY DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT! Muffy will totally spread this around to the Kindermusik group, not to mention our Zoo Babies class! SHIT! Okay, maybe I can, like dab some Studiofix over it and no one will notice! Oh man, I am a bad mother, I am a FREAKING AWFUL mother, I AM THE WORLD’S WORST MOTHER! I bet the neighbors can hear this screaming and have already called the police! SHIT. I’d better get out of my houserobe. Just in case. WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SCREAMING, HONEY? I will buy you that Fairywhatever Barbie TODAY if you will JUST STOP SCREAMING!!!
Exhausting, isn’t it? But can’t you relate? Even just a little bit? I read in an article recently that today’s mothers (the big spenders, as far as advertisers are concerned) respond well to FEAR. And that’s what’s being used to inspire us to part with our money. Check out Lysol’s website, with the header, “Protect your family from cold and flu germs this season.” Today’s “Today Show” website opens with “Relationship Killers” and a picture of a fighting couple. Pampers‘ revolving header includes “Security in the water,” “Protection from the sun,” and “Help keep runny mess away from Baby’s skin.” Notice all the trigger words? Good thing I’m not an advertiser; I would’ve come up with something far simpler like “Holds the POO, keeps it off YOU!” Because really, that’s all we care about, isn’t it?
Today, women all over the Internet are writing about living dangerously. Well, I’d like to ask the moms out there to start parenting dangerously. God knows we care about our kids- let’s care enough to stop responding to the fear mongerers out there. Let’s let our precious punkins get a few scrapes and nicks without losing our shit over it. Let’s stop consulting the Internet (my personal parenting demon) every time our babies sneeze. Let’s allow the kiddo to pop that Cheerio he picked up off the kitchen floor, or pat the neighbor’s dog without our running for the hand sanitizer, or eat McDonald’s french fries every now and then. I’m telling you that a childhood without McDonald’s french fries is no childhood at all!
By parenting dangerously, we raise children who aren’t afraid to take chances and who don’t sweat the small stuff. I’m seeing too many kids I know acting out and having meltdowns at the slightest provocation and yes, I think that in their cases, the parents are often at least somewhat to blame. I’m holding myself responsible, too. My own three-year-old doesn’t like to get dirty and isn’t physically adventurous on the playground. Could that have something to do with the fact that I love to dress her up and am, well, okay, I’ll just say it, overprotective when she’s climbing and running? Hell, yeah. I have to work on that, for her sake. Join me in parenting dangerously, stop responding to the media’s fear campaign, and see if our children don’t blossom under our benign neglect. After all, we turned out okay, didn’t we?
P.S. Head over to Suburban Turmoil Reviews to read about a dangerous dad and enter to win a copy of his book AND an awesome t-shirt that would make a perfect Father’s Day present!
Also, today is your last chance to enter to win a Tiny Love DVD MagIQ doll. Don’t miss out..
>This post is truly brilliant. You are so right, and I love the way you tied in the media’s use of fear-based trigger words. Hadn’t heard that one before… but it makes so much sense!! Parent Dangerously… where do I get the t-shirt! Thanks for the great post.
>Can I just say you wrote what I was thinking? Nice job!
>This cracked me up! My mother parented very dangerously and yet we survived. My mom teases me all the time about being a safety weanie, but I can’t help it! Although, from the things I read, I still fall in the “slacker mom” category. Sure, my kids are in carseats and wear helmets (my hubby raced dirt bikes for years and had several accidents where his life, and brain function, were saved by wearing a helmet, so we’re big on those), but I let my almost five year old and three year old play outside. Unsupervised. For hours. We do have a fence that keeps them in tha backyard (although since part of it is missing near the house, it’s an honor system), and I do peek out the window occasionally, but otherwise, I just let them play. And when they get hurt (which they do all the time, since there are woods and bugs and prickly plants back there) I kiss it, put a bandage on, and send them back outside. It is true there are things that I did that I will not let my kids do. My brothers and I would disappear all day into the neighborhood and beyond, as far as our bikes could carry us. There is no way that will happen for my kids, which makes me sad. We had some great adventures. And I have to be careful about whose house I let my kids go to and who I let them ride with in a car. And I did not nurse the baby in the car the way my mother did. Ok, only a couple times. But, I agree with you. I don’t want my kids to be fearful. Smart, yes. Self-preservation is a valuable trait. But not scared. I can’t live my whole life reacting to what “might” happen. So my kids ride dirt bikes and four wheelers. They swing and climb trees and play in the mud. We ruin a lot of clothes around here. :)I, too, react to the fear-based advertising. It drives me nuts, as if they think I’m stupid enough to put all my hopes for my children’s protection in hand sanitizer wipes. I do carry them, but usually forget to use them. I figure they’ll wash their hands when they use the bathroom. I love the t-shirt idea, too! I’d like to hear your opinion on why you think many moms are so driven by fear and why advertisers think those campaigns will work. They must, or they wouldn’t use them. Sorry for the long comment!
>That’s a really interesting question. I think we as moms are suffering from information overload. We can get parenting advice from magazines, television, Internet, books, podcasts, satellite radio shows, and God knows where else. All this information makes us overthink parenting. We have too many experts telling us what to do and too many options. I think our moms often were ignorant of the statistics, the cautionary tales, and the expert opinions and as a result, they went with their gut instincts far more than we do. And I think the information overload plays right into the fear campaign because there will always be someone around to tell us we’re doing it wrong.The first step to escape falling into this media-generated fear trap is to RECOGNIZE it. I only read about the “fear” tactics a few days ago and I’ve been thinking a lot about it ever since. It has really started to make me angry.
>We have a tree in our front yard that my 7 yo son climbs obsessively. Several of my neighbors have heart attacks every time they see him, telling me, “He’s going to fall! He might hurt himself! Is he ok?” Umm, yeah, can’t you tell that he’s ok by the ear to ear grin on his face? So maybe he will hurt himself, get a scrape or two, or even God forbid break a leg. But what is the alternative? I don’t want to raise chilren in a sterilized environment, where tree climbing is not a part of their childhood. And even though the do feel pain from those scrapes and scratches they get from climbing, running, and jumping, my job as a mother isn’t to prevent them from feeling pain, but to teach them how to deal with it and overcome it. How can a person deal with the pain of a friend dying, a relationship ending, or a huge dissapointment when they never learned to deal with the pain of a skinned knee as a child?
>I am really overprotective, sometimes. I have to NOT watch the kids on the playground or they wouldn’t get to do anything. The Man is always trying to convince me that we need to let them get hurt so they learn their own lessons. But, you know…it’s REALLY hard to just say “Whatever happens, happens!” Really hard. Because every day, I hear about kids dying from stupid accidents and mistakes. Every day I’m scared something will take them away from me. But even I still get what you’re saying. Great post, Lindsay.
>Amen, sistah! Parenting dangerously is HARD…but I think it MUST be done. I only wish I’d have thought up the name first. 🙂 hehehe
>I agree we have access to too many horror stories. I always worry about what might happen if I don’t keep an eye on my kids at all times.-Jane G.
>LOL! I guess I’ve started to embrace parenting dangerously. Last week, we were at the mall just before dinnertime, and my son was running and fell flat on his face on a concrete floor. Of course he wanted a big hug, and of course there was blood everywhere — all over his white t-shirt, and my pale yellow shirt. We got him a cold drink, accessed the situation (cut lip) iced him up and continued on down the hall to a burger joint for dinner. Cuz, dang! That lil boy wanted a hot dog! So we got dogs and ice cream. Bloody shirts and all! I didn’t have a change of clothes for either of us. Oh, and BIZ did an awesome job getting the blood out of our clothes when we finally got home!Someone sent me a copy of this article by Anna Quindlen the other day — it’s quite good, and fits here.http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/features_parenting_blog/2007/01/anna_quindlen_w.html
>I am definitely a worry wart, but I have tried to hide part of it from my daughter. I try to let her venture to a certain extent. We live in the semi-country. She usually comes in with dirt all over her and I can only imagine what all it contains…manure, tractor grease (which she loves), etc. We just wash up when she comes in, no biggy. She started trying to climb the fences very early. It scared the shit out of me but I have learned to let her go a bit and just teach her to not go too high. I can tell if her falls are bad or not. I often feel other parents feel I am uncaring because I don’t always run to her aid. When I know she is hurt I am right there, but if she’s not I calmly walk to help her up. Unless she is really hurt it is not biggee to her unless I panic. We definitely have our boundaries… do not enter the pasture alone, don’t pet strange dogs, etc, but we try to not go overboard. She always has a scrape or brush, but like mentioned above…she always wears a smile and is confident in herself.
>I think the fear based approach is partially successful because parents of young children now seem to feel like they have a LOT of control over their children. If our parents are at fault for our neuroses and scars, then we could be responsible for the same thing! We could make our kids gay for pete’s sake! We could turn our daughters into shallow sluts if we buy them Barbie dolls! They could feel insecure and grow up into sociopaths if we’re not there to cuddle them the second they hit the ground! PS–Get Punky to the playground sometime when Clark is there, if she wants a model of total abandon.
>Helpful internet tip- If you’re out of Studiofix, tinted moisturizer will also work.
>I read this article and thought of this thread. Here’s a long quote:Johnston had hoped to become a dental hygienist. After finishing high school, she was supposed to go to Gainesville State College on a scholarship. Instead, she went to work as an exotic dancer, where she said she met Miller.Johnston’s mother, Lisa Johnston, wept as she told the TV interviewer how she had hoped to instill positive values in her children by doing something special with them every day.”I hoped that would instill and pretty much guarantee me wonderful adults,” she said. “But I guess there’s no guarantee.”
>A recent ad on British tv extolling the virtue of anti-bacterial spray “You wouldn’t let your child eat off the street…but his high chair tray contains more bacteria than your toilet” or something like that.I’m stopped on the “You wouldn’t let your child eat off the street…” ’cause I’m thinking – well if no one was LOOKING, I might. I mean, not ice cream or jello or anything like that, but a cookie? So long as the 5 second rule hadn’t been violated, why not? I ‘d dust it off, first though.Anyway, we’ll see what I’m really like once Cletus is ex-utero. And I don’t know that I’ll be all into that tree climbing, stunt dare-devil thing, ’cause his dad’s real clumsy and I’m afraid that might be heritable.
>I think its the 24 hour news we have available. We get to hear (over and over and over again) in graphic detail exactly how that kid died/got maimed/disappeared and exactly who was at fault/negligent/crazy. It makes it seem like it happens all the time! Like our kid, every kid, in fact is in danger of something (anything!) really really really bad happening.And since YOU watched and YOU heard that it is possible for that really really really bad thing to happen, YOU must take action. YOU cannot act like you didn’t know because it could (in fact it probably will) happen to your kid if YOU drop your guard.
>When our kids were little they used to climb a brick wall at their school that had bricks sticking our as part of the design. Other parents would yell, “Your boys are climbing the wall!” We’d turn around and say, “Yeah they are aren’t they?” and continue our conversation.We also learned that the more fuss we made over them when they fell on the soccer fields, the longer they lay on the ground. We soon graduated to, “Get up, you’re not hurt!” The other parents soon caught the spirit and soccer games didn’t take as long to get completed.
>I remember when the boys across the street would try to mimic EvilKneivel and end up with broken arms…I can’t tell you HOW many times my bike slid on sand and I ended up missing parts of elbows and knees LOL We live by the 10sec rule (my kids almost never get sick either) and if it’s not a mortal wound – shake it off, clean it up, stick a bandaid on it and move on! I find if I don’t make a big deal of it the kids don’t milk it for all it’s worth LOL I guess I’ll learn how good or bad of a parent I’ve been when we’re all in therapy in 10 years!!!
>amen!!! i just love your posts =) debbie
>I’m definitely parenting dangerously. Just like my mom & dad parented me!
>Oh god yes. The whole germophobe thing is actually dangerous. No, really. Triclosan, one of the common ingredients in antibacterials, is not 100% effective, and may help breed supergerms over the next decade or so. Kids who have no exposure to germs build no resistance and get hit hard when they are finally, inevitably exposed to them. And, frankly, kids are not the delicate flowers we think they are. They are resilient, made of rubber that bounces, and made to take the knocks of learning to navigate the world and their bodies as they devlop coordination. If we don’t let them learn that, then how will we feel knowing that they are weedy, spazzy, and wussy because we held them back? Not good, I’m thinking.
>In the past week, my children have:Rode in the back of a pickup on my parent’s ranch.Gotten ticksGotten mosquito bitesFallen off a dining room chairRan headfirst into a pillar at the libraryYep. Parenting dangerously here. (But I’m still breaking out the bug spray for extended yard stays from now on.)www.pridemama.com
>You are soooo funny! I live parenting in the dangerous zone – 24/7.When people come to my house they would say “You have a pool/trampoline/stairs/unpadded corners of a coffee table etc. Believe it or not, I haven’t lost one yet.
>Thank goodness someone feels the same way I do. Now I don’t feel so alone. LOL
>So spot on! My 2 YO broke his leg going down a slide. There was nothing I could have done to stop it. Now, I’m terrified when we go to the playground, but I have to let him go down the slide if he wants. It’s part of growing up. Making mistakes, getting hurt, healing, learning.Great post… I too do not feel alone! I’m not a helicopter parent!
>I’ve taught science to grade-school boys who didn’t want to do experiments because they just might get dirty, and their moms would freak out if junior came home in less-than-pristine condition. I now teach high-schoolers who don’t want to go to the chalkboard because they will get chalk on their hands. I once ate a small piece of chalk in front of my class to prove to them that it wouldn’t hurt them. And these are the BOYS. Today’s mothers are turning their boys into sissies.
>Can Not See Blood…..Will Faint!Too funny by the way. Perfect summary of my childhood.
>Awesome post Lindsay! I was parented dangerously and yeah, I got hurt a few times, but those are always learning experiences. I say leave the outlet covers off the outlets… it only takes one time with a fork and that kid gets a learning experience. That’s what we did and dang, we learned pretty quick! Today it seems as if some parents won’t be happy unless their kids are sanitized and wrapped in bubble wrap before the leave the house. LIFE IS RISKY. There’s no escaping it, and the vast majority of things that parents worry about will never happen. Case in point… Lawn Jarts. I miss those things.~Monica
>Gosh Lindsey so true! Everything we do has to be so perfect nowadays. It’s sad tht our kids can’t make mistakes anymore and neither can we.
>So does this mean I can stop watching my kids now and get some soap opera time in instead? 😛
>Re Monica’s comment, I don’t think that by parenting dangerously, Lindsay meant that we shouldn’t use outlet protectors with our toddlers. That’s just common sense. Electric shock is not how I want my kids to learn about real life!
>De-lurking here – I’m with you 100%. I have one child (she’s 4), and for the first few months I FREAKED at everything. Now – not so much. What fun is life if your kids can’t LIVE it? I’m not talking about doing dangerous things like not using a carseat, etc., but – for example – we were at a petting zoo kind of thing the other day. Daughter LOOOOVES any kind of animal. We’re patting and having a grand time, and the other moms are insane with anti-bacterial wipes/hand sanitizer. I got my kid a soft pretzel – AND WE DIDN’T INSANELY SCRUB HER HANDS FIRST. They had no “visible” dirt on them – she’s FINE……..Chris in Ohio
>I really need to take this post to heart. I think I’m an overprotective mother and I’m tired of feeling this way. Thank you.
>Perfect post for sure – wonderful! Nate and I have been getting in fights about bike helmets since before I was even pregnant. His feeling is, “well I survived without ’em…”