Party of Six
This column originally appeared in the Nashville Scene.
It was your average Nashville art show fundraiser, the kind where you see women of a certain age flaunting their furs and calling everyone “Deah,” wealthy bidnessmen sporting bow ties and enormous paunches, and so many pained expressions that you’d swear a group proctology exam must have preceded the event.
At one time, I might have been there dressed in black and happily sipping wine from the open bar, but on this night, my oldest stepdaughter was a featured artist and so my family was on hand for the occasion—my entire family. My husband pushed a stroller holding our 8-month-old son, my two teenage stepdaughters huddled along together as one wild-haired, whispering unit, and I brought up the rear, wearing a coat buttoned to the chin to hide a T-shirt stained with baby food and grasping the hand of my 3-year-old daughter. As we bumbled our way through the crowd of Sperry’s regulars, we drew everything from smirks to stares of irritation.
“We’ve become the Ferrier Family Circus,” my husband murmured once we’d found a stopping point.
“We are total losers,” I replied. The string quartet in the corner finished playing and my preschooler began clapping enthusiastically. “Brah-blow!” she shouted. “Brah-blow!” No one laughed.
I had thought that going from three kids to four wouldn’t be that big of a deal. I thought wrong. With just three children, we could still fit comfortably in a restaurant booth. We could pile inside just about any car on the market. We could go nearly anywhere we wanted without drawing undue attention to ourselves. With four kids, though, we’ve become something of an oddity, fair game for questions such as, “Do all of your babies have the same daddy?” and “I guess you all just kept trying ’til you got that boy?” and, most often, “You’re not having any more, are you?” And it’s not just me; ask any mother of four or more, and she’ll give you a long list of rude questions and clueless assumptions that strangers and acquaintances have made about her personal life.
“I’ve had people come up to me and ask if I’m Mormon (which I’m not, and have nothing against Mormons either),” laments Traci, a Suburban Turmoil reader and mother of six. “They tell me I should ‘figure out what keeps making that happen.’ Other questions: ‘Don’t you have cable?’ ‘How old are you?’ ”
“Please don’t ask me personal questions about my fertility,” begs another reader with two sets of twins. “I am thinking of making a pamphlet.”
Author and mom-to-four Meagan Francis (www.meaganfrancis.com) has written an entire book about the phenomenon, called Table for Eight: Raising a Large Family in a Small-Family World. I asked her why so many people seem to view large families as oddities.
“The birth rate has dropped dramatically since the 1970s, and the trend has been to have fewer children and then to invest far more money, material goods, time and energy into each child. We’ve really raised the bar for what counts as ‘good’ parenting, and with that bar in mind a lot of parents are exhausted raising one or two kids. They simply can’t imagine how being a ‘good’ parent to three or four or five is even possible.”
It’s true that my husband worries from time to time that our older girls will feel like they missed out on the expensive vacations and nicer cars that inevitably would have come their way if we hadn’t chosen to add two more children to the family. Yet none of us can imagine life now without our youngest two. Besides, the Ferrier babies could have a huge impact on the older girls’ futures by making a more compelling argument for abstinence than I ever could.
“All our friends say they can’t wait to have babies,” our 17-year-old said at the dinner table not long ago. “But I’m not sure I want children. I mean, I love my brother and sister, but if I have kids, I’ll never go out anymore or have any fun.”
“Yeah,” our 14-year-old agreed. “I feel the same way.”
I smiled ruefully, pleased that my example had taught my stepdaughters at least one thing: have children and you’ll turn into a social zero, just like me.
I guess I can while away all my boring nights at home coming up with snappy responses to the stupid questions I field all damn day. My readers have some ideas.
“My mom’s favorite [comment] was ‘How do you do it?’ ” recalls Sarah, one of five siblings, “to which she always responded: ‘In the dark, like everyone else.’ People used to give her looks to kill at that statement.”
And Meagan Francis has a great answer for the old, ‘Don’t you know what causes that?’
“Yes,” she likes to respond, “and it appears I’m getting more of it than you are.”
>I know exactly what you mean…restaurants, movies, etc. have become experiences in “large parties.” I have six kids. Whenever we go out as a family there are eight of us. Most menus state that they add gratuity on checks for parties of 8 or more…that’s us. Whether the service sucked or not we pay the 20% just because the server had to work harder (????) to serve our LARGE family. Doesn’t she have other tables?? Is she truly working harder? It’s frustrating to be told you will tip this just because there are 8 of you…not that I wouldn’t anyway. We don’t really go to movies because it’s a bazillion million dollars for all of us to go and because 8 seats together probably not going to happen. My favorite is grocery shopping. People look at me like I’m crazy for having more than 2 children (if I bring 3 to the store with me). They also freak out that my grocery bill may hit $400. Seriously, they STARE at me. Then I feel I have to explain…Well you see Mrs. NoseyParker, I have six kids and they like to eat…a lot. I’ve had people come up to me and ask if I’m Mormon (which I’m not, and have nothing against Mormons either). They tell me I should “figure out what keeps making that happen.” Other questions: Don’t you have cable? Are they all from the same father? How old are you? I guess my biggest frustration is that a certain amount of people look at me like I’m a circus show act. Just because I have six kids. Some people think that because I have more kids that I somehow have all the parenting answers, medical answers, pregnancy and labor answers, etc. If they only knew the truth. Which I don’t feel compelled to always share (my kids have been through enough).The truth is, I have six adopted kids (not from birth). I don’t know anymore answers than anyone else. Having more doesn’t make me somehow wiser. I’m not a breeding machine…I’ve never been pregnant. I’m not bored on a Saturday night…I do have cable. I just felt compelled to adopt some of those kids considered unadoptable by the State of California. So “Party of Eight” brings its headaches and heaven forbid you go out with another family!!! Movies are a no go and amusement parks. Most family discounts are for families of four or five. I can’t even buy a Christmas ornament with six heads on it…they only make them with five. It can be frustrating but totally worth the “tribe” of kids I get to hang out with everyday.
>Two brief years ago we were a party of two. Two years later we find ourselves with two sets of twins–2 years and 4 months. My favorite part of being a public spectacle is the question: “Are you ALL together?” Well, let’s see. We are both chasing two toddlers around the zoo yelling their names as if we know them, and we are each carrying a baby. Yes, we’re all together, and no, we don’t have time to explain. And please don’t ask me personal questions about my fertility. (I am thinking of making a pamphlet.) And yes, beleive it, we do get out of the house to appropriate venues. We left the house this morning because we were going OUT OF OUR HEADS in there.
>Both of my parents have 5 siblings which was typical of Catholic families in the ’50s/’60s/’70s. I have an uncle and an aunt who are 7and 5 years older than me respectively. My husband has 3 siblings and that is it. When we got married it was like the scene from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”- huge amount of people on the bride’s side and a handful of people on the groom’s. We had to actually seat my family friends on his side because it was so lopsided. I love coming from a big family. It is loud, obnoxious and just awesome. My dad’s family was really poor growing up so they had no choice but to make up their own fun. As a result all of the siblings have amazing senses of humor and vivid imaginations. I wish I could have a time machine and go back to their childhood days because the stories they tell are so hilarious your sides ache from laughing. My poor Nana just kind of looks bewildered when they tell their stories because she was so busy taking care of all the kids that she doesn’t remember any of the times they talk about. My mom is one of 5 girls and has one brother. You can imagine how my uncle grew up! He was treated like gold because he was the only only boy but I don’t ever think he got a word in edgewise. My maternal great-grandmother had 4 girls and out of those girls only 1had less than 3 children. When we got together for my great-grandmother’s last birthday we had to rent a hall because there were so many nieces, cousins, grandchildren. Sure there can be fights and emotions and it is next to impossible to find places where we all can go out to dinner. But, my Mom and Dad also have a strong support system. Recently my maternal grandfather had a major health scare and my mom, as the oldest and a nurse, was put in charge. She was able to delegate a lot of decisions to her siblings and had built in emotional support. My immediate family is one of 4 so I didn’t grow up with a lot of siblings and I sometimes worry that if my brother and I fight I might end up with no one when my parents go. I have two kids and wanted 4 but hyperemesis kind of ruined that for me. One day I might adopt more kids because I feel like I should have a big family. I love the noise and the bustle. It works for me!
>I love big families! I grew up with three brothers, which isn’t that big, but we were one of the biggest families in my church (one other family had four kids). But through the homeschooling groups, I had lots of friends who came from much larger families. When I was a teen, one of my best friends was from a family with eight kids! They were spread pretty far apart, but I loved being at her house. Her parents were so fun, the siblings were all really close and their house was tiny. That was the kind of family and life I wanted. Somehow I ended up with a big house and only three kids. I wanted at least four. Darn that heart defect!I read some blogs of women with large families. When one of them was asked that ridiculous question, “Don’t you know how this happens?” she said, “Yes, we do and we like it!”One thing I love about having more than one sibling as that as we age, our relationships change. There’s an age spread between my two middle brothers, so there was sort of two “sets” of kids, my one brother and I (I’m oldest) and then the two younger boys. Now that we’re all adults, I have become so much closer to the younger brothers whom I barely knew when they were kids. By the time they were pre-teens, I was out of the house. When I got married at 25, they were 16 and 14! But I have come to discover that they are amazing and interesting people and that my life would be much poorer without them. On the other hand, the brother closer in age to me and with whom I was very close in our teens and early 20s is married and involved in his own life now. And that’s as it should be. It would be harder if he was my only sibling, but I know we’ll probably be close again some day.One friend of mine comes from a family of 14 kids. Talk about a party! I love the chaos and noise of large families. I know I learned a lot about getting along with different kinds of people. I love that so many different personalities can come from the same two parents. And I love adopted families, too. My mom and uncle are adopted, and I know that love has nothing to do with blood. To me, it seems that people with large families, whether through blood or adoption, have discovered that love has a kind of magic to it: the more people there are, the more love there is to go around. Having a large family entails lots of sacrifice, but I believe that siblings are far better for kids than lots of toys. Plus, there’s more people to take care of you and visit you when you’re old. 🙂 Unless one is a horrible parent, it’s hard to end up alone when you have lots of kids!
>I have three sisters and one brother; we are all spaced 13-15 months apart. When my baby brother turned 1, my sisters and I were 2, 3, 4, and 5 years old. I was the oldest. My husband has two sisters and three brothers; they are all spaced 16-18 months apart. When he turned 1, his siblings were 2.5, 4, 5.5, 7, and almost 10. He was the youngest. Despite growing up in families with five or six children, though, it never occurred to either of us until adulthood that we came from large families. Both of us LOVED LOVED LOVED growing up with so many siblings and in fact, I can remember feeling sorry for a childhood friend who came from a family of just three kids. How, I wondered, could she ever possibly have fun with so few people around?All my life, people have asked the strangest questions about my family and my husband’s family. Did I feel slighted because I was the oldest of so many kids so close together? Never. Not once. Did I have to take care of my younger siblings? Sometimes, but it wasn’t my job, it was my parents’ job. Just like every older sibling, there were times when I babysat my sisters or my brother, but it was rare. And my parents paid me when I did, just like I was a babysitter. Did my husband feel slighted that he was the youngest, the recipient of oh-so-many hand-me-downs? No, not that he recalls. Did his older siblings get stuck taking care of him? Well, no, at least not anymore than any older sibling does.When I was a kid – and even today – my parents fielded even more absurd questions. And the answers shocked people every time. They weren’t Catholic or Mormon. They’d heard of birth control and knew what caused pregnancy and birth. They didn’t use fertility drugs and their children were all planned. They’d have had more if they could, they loved us all equally, and of course there was enough love and attention to go around. My mom’s favorite was “how do you do it?” to which she always responded: “In the dark, like everyone else.” People used to give her looks to kill at that statement.The thing was that my parents chose to have as many children as they did because they both came from “small” families for their time and place. My mom had three brothers and my dad had two siblings and both of my parents were baby boomers in rural farming communities. They had both grown up feeling the sting of being the from the family in town that was small, and neither of them liked that. Although they raised us in a more urban setting where families were considerably smaller, both of my parents wanted their children to have many siblings. They never wanted us to be lonely and always wanted us to have a strong support system and…well, we do! I LOVE being part of a large family.The thing I love most about coming from a large family is watching peoples’ lives change. Marriages, college educations, studying abroad, children, home ownership, all the big things in life changed all of us and it’s been fascinating to be a part of that. What’s more, we have somehow still managed to stay close. Once a year, we have a family weekend where we all leave our spouses with the kids and we all get together and go out together. My husband’s family does the same thing. And EVERY SINGLE WEEK, we get together for dinner. We are loud, we are crazy, there are alot of people and we eat ALOT, but we have a good time and we stay in touch.Something else people never understood was that my family and my husband’s family – neither of us were wealthy. My husband’s mother stayed at home and his father was a teacher. Both of my parents worked in finance. We both had coupon drawers growing up.That said, in my family, each of us went to college. Two of my sisters went on to receive graduate degrees. We all studied abroad for at least one full year, and some for longer, and we are all bilingual at least. And we all went on to work. Of the five of us, we count: one published author, one doctor, one accountant, one linguistic anthropologist, one art history professor. In my husband’s family, all but one went to college. The one that didn’t go to college went to trade school for a few years and started a career in the field of electricity. They, too, valued education and all studied abroad and speak more than one language. My husband and his brothers all served as Marines on top of that. Among those six, you can find: one police officer, one mechanical engineer, one PR editor, one petroleum engineer, one electrician, and one environmental scientist.Neither of us was rich, but we were comfortable even though neither of our families brought in much money. We just made do without all the THINGS that alot of people buy. We darned and redarned socks. We added fabric down the seam of our jeans and at the hem of our jeans when they stopped fitting. We wore shoes until they bust holes in the bottom or in the toes – and at that, when our feet stopped growing, we resoled our shoes. We saved money at every opportunity because the future was always at the horizon, and you never knew when you’d need it. Grocery bills were exorbitant, but we always bought in bulk and used as much of it as we could.I’m a big fan of large families. When my husband and I met and married and started talking about a family of our own, we both agreed that six? Or more? Sounded perfect. Nothing less than six. We both agreed we wanted a large family, with kids close together, similar to what we had been raised in, because we both loved it and we knew we could pull it together.
>My parents both come from large families- my mom is the oldest of 6, my dad (bless my grandmother’s heart) is the second youngest fo 23. Daddy has 5 kids from his 1st marriage (15 to 7 years older than me), my mother wisely stopped after having me.Getting our family in one place at the same time is nearly impossible and quite a drama when it occurs. the last time it happened was in June when my dad had heart surgery. Daddy told the doctor that his kids were coming- he forgot to mention that there were 6 of us. (plus assorted in-laws) He came out to escort us in to the back so that we could walk Daddy to surgery and nearly fainted from shock. I had to run back to the waiting room to get a book my mom had left behind and had to laugh at how much quieter the area was now that we were out of it.As far as going out to dinner….hee hee! My sisters are renowned seafood lovers and we have been banned from several buffet restaurants as a result. (buffets are about the only place than can handle an extended S—-r family gathering) Mom had to call and warn our favorite place that we were coming. Needless to say, we tip in addition to the mandatory gratuity that gets added to large parties because our lot will flat run a server ragged.We went through a lot of drama & trauma growing up. Mom had to deal with 5 teenagers, me, and several unexpected grandchildren all before her 30th birthday. Luckily we kind of get along now that we’re adults1
>im an only, so is my dad.i liek it just fine that way :o)
>I grew up with six sisters and one brother. I don’t quite know how my mother ended up with seven girls and one boy. I guess that’s my dad’s fault. And my poor brother is smack dab in the middle. We never went anywhere as a family when I was little, except to church and occasionally the grocery store. I always thought that was so unfair… now I understand it was the only way my mother could keep her sanity, if it was ever really “hers” in the first place. Now when we go out as a family to celebrate birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc., our family consists of my parents, the eight of us siblings, four brother in-laws, a sister in-law, and five grandchildren. I believe that’s 20. And the group is definitely still growing. My mother was 43 when she had my youngest sister, who is now 10. She gets confused as her grandmother all the time. She doesn’t mind though. I once asked her why she chose to have so many children. She said being a mother made her a better person, and that she always had a feeling of “incompleteness” until she had my youngest sister. She stopped at eight because she knew our family was complete. I once did the math: my mother will have a child under the age of 18 for 38 years of her life. What a lady.
>I used to work in a restaurant as a hostess, and I swore that when I had kids I was only going to have 2 because a party of 4 is easier to seat than a party of 5 or more. And you can sit comfortable in a booth.I married a man with four kids and we have one together. Needless to say, we don’t go out to eat very often.
>Plenty of my friends have told me that they don’t want more that two kids because everything in the world comes in fours- cars, tables, vacations. I nod and smile, but I don’t really get it.I grew up in a family of six- two parents, three kids, one live-in grandma… and I love it. I don’t recall life being much harder, just expensive.I would love to have four or MORE children some day. Unfortunately, I’m having trouble making kid number two happen.
>I grew up in a family of 4 plus my cousins lived with us off and on for many years so sometimes we had 7. I always said I would have a small family because I used to hate the stares and rude comments. But what I got was 2 kids then one of my family members got in some trouble and I ended up with all 4 of hers! so With 6 kids I get hear alot of “Are they all yours?” “Wow thats alot of kids”. To that last one I really want to say “Really?I didn’t notice~”
>I am third of six kids (and both my parents come from a family of six kids), and like others have said, I never really thought of myself as being in a big family. (Disclosure: Yes, we are Mormons.) All the stuff that has been said about sibling fun and friendship has been true in my life–and it continues, as I count my sisters as my best friends.As children, we took “vacations” to my father’s office (he was a private CPA, and his office was a converted house with a POOL!), especially when our poor old van broke down and spoiled a trip. Most often our vacations were simply camping trips, with my dad traveling the hour back to the city every morning to go to work, and then returning to the campsite in the evening for dinner. It never occurred to me that camping was a cheap alternative to some slightly more exotic vacations–we always had so much fun.We ate out rarely, but we always had plenty of food, and although I never wore Guess? jeans and didn’t have a Cabbage Patch doll (I know I’m practically the only girl in my generations who didn’t), we always had nice clothes and fun toys. We never felt “poor”.
>Parents should have at least 3 imps (unless thay started as late as we did then 2 will suffice). That way with 3 imps running around, you won’t really know who did what and they all can fear the blame equally.
>Sorry to add a second comment but today I got the MOTHER of all comments and I just had to tell it somewhere….. My Dh’s office christmas party was today and as we went up to have pics taken with Santa the photographer asked if all 6 kids were ours ( note 4 re adopted but I always say they are mine because it’s kinda weird to say no they belong to someone else.) Anyway the rude man then said to my Dh ” Man you must have been a busy busy guy”…… I didn’t even have a snappy comment I was too busy trying not to punch him! Sheesh! the noive of some people!
>I have two stepteens and two much, much younger bios.The age difference makes things interesting when we’re all out together. You can see people doing these mental calculations, trying figure things out.My daughter, you see, looks JUST LIKE my stepdaughter. Son and stepson — totally different. You’d never know they were related. Or people who don’t know us that well will suddenly be confronted this sort of stairstep brady bunch thing. The only thing that annoys me is having to take two cars everywhere we go.
>We have three kids, and the oldest is my step. When she’s visiting her mother, there can be up to 7 (her current husband had 5, hers, and then they had one together). I can’t totally speak for her feelings there, but she doesn’t hate it. I know that we had only planned on 2, but someone decided we needed 3 (pick your diety…God, Goddess, Mother Earth, Murphy, whoever.) And it annoys me how hard it is to be seated in restaraunts, and that unless I want to drive a gas guzzling SUV or minivan, I have to smush them in the back seat, but I love my kids, and think three is a good number. Luckily it’s not so many that people question us. Also, we are military, and so many of the families we know have the same number of kids as we do, and they are spread about the same. So we aren’t that family that sticks out. And that gratuity for party of 8 thing would so piss me off. I would have to tell every stinking manager off on that one.
>I came from a small family-one older sister and an older brother. My brother isn’t biological, adopted, foster, or anything else. He was a kid that needed a home when he was 16 (I was 6) and we were a family with extra space. He lived with us until he went to college and I count him as 100% brother. My husband is the youngest of 5. The things I have heard people say, usually unknowlingly, to my mother-in-law make my head spin!When it comes to how many kids we’re going to have (right now only one 8 month baby) we haven’t decided. He would like more than I would. He would like 5-7. I would like 2-4. My hesitancy doesn’t come in from what I would have to face outside of our home. My hesitancy is in my ability to nurture, love, and raise that many. That’s what matters. It’s each person’s ability to support the children that they bring into the world. We will keep going with our little one until the time that it feels like we should have another. We will stop when it feels like we’re done.I asked my mom once why she stopped at two, which as a Mormon family, is small. She told me that there were two major reasons. First, at two, her family felt complete. Second, with two, she still had the time, energy, and resources to help whomever came knocking on our door needing help. I know you can do that with more kids, but that’s what was right for her and look where it got us. I have an awesome brother, sister-in-law and two nieces that I might not have had otherwise.So I guess what I’m saying is that the size of the family may change logistics, but what really matters is that there’s love in the home. I know I will make a careful plan of how many kids I will raise and the ways in which I will have them (biologically, adoption, foster, whatever). I expect that others have done the same and try to give them the respect that their position as parent deserves.
>I only have one child, but when I got pregnant, several people asked, in earnest, if I knew what caused that. One particularly odious woman phrased her question, “Do you know what happened to put the baby in your belly?” I won’t even tell you my foul response.
>I’m the youngest of four. We were never well-to-do but went out to eat from time to time; if my grandmother (who had money) was along, chances were it’d be a nicer place. Otherwise it was hit or miss…let’s just say there’s a reason I have fond memories of Krystal!As if that weren’t enough to give you an idea of the level of culture in my upbringing…I often thought how convenient it was for us that Cokes came in a six-pack!