>Surprise! I’m Cool.

Dear Girls,

I know this will come as a big shock, but guess what?

I’m cool.

I can just picture the hysterical giggles you’re fighting back right now, but it’s time to deal with the truth. I’m cool. And I have plenty of evidence to prove it.

For one thing, even though all three of us love to shop at Urban Outfitters, guess what? I shopped there first. Oh yes I did. I was buying clothes from Urban Outfitters when the two of you stil thought wearing big girl panties was awesome. But it’s about more than the clothes. Way more.

You’re both listening to the new B-52’s album right now, aren’t you? But I’m pretty sure that neither of you have felt Fred Schneider’s sweat drip on you while dancing to Love Shack at the 40-Watt Club in Athens, Georgia. I sure as hell did. And I was probably wearing Urban Outfitters when it happened.

Speaking of music, I hear you blasting Stars and Psapp and The Pixies and Ingrid Michaelson and Peter Bjorn & John and The Bird & the Bee from your rooms all the time. Where’d you hear about all that music, huh? Yep. Me.

It’s not just about the music, though. We all love watching The Office together, right? Well Darlings, I lived The Office. “Kevin?” Totally knew him in high school. Check it:

But he’s not the only Office star I hung with.

Yep. That’s me. (We’re going to leave my choice of hairstyle out of this for the purposes of this discussion.) And that’s Ed Helms, circa 1991. Nice guy. Horrible pants. What can I say? Oh yeah. That I’m cool.

The Office not cool enough for you? How about Nirvana? Unfortunately, you’ll never know what it’s like to sit down next to Kurt Cobain and Michael Stipe at a coffee shop at the tender age of 19 and be told by Kurt that your hat is, wait for it, cool. Yep. It happened to me. No shizzle.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure the band members from Corrosion of Conformity won’t show up at your high school graduation to watch you receive your diploma. You have to be, you know, cool for that to happen.

Nor will C.C. DeVille invite you to sit at his table at the San Diego Hard Rock Cafe when you’re 16 years old. Of course, if he were to, I’d hope you’d realize, as I did then, that he is a total cheeseball. But you’d also know that you were cool. Like me.

There’s more. Lots more. But I don’t need to talk about it. That’s not, well, cool. Still, I think it’s funny that while you guys think I’m like, the World’s Biggest Loser, you’re going to have to work really hard to do all the cool things the World’s Biggest Loser has done. So what does that make you? Huh? Who’s laughing now?

I’d love to chat more about this, but I have an appointment with a mop and the kitchen floor, and then I’m off to buy some Dora underwear at Target.

Love,

Lindsay

This post originally appeared on Parents.com.