>The Grand Inquisitor
>”Hey, Lindsay,” my 13-year-old stepdaughter said over the phone on Friday afternoon. “Would you mind calling Ansley’s mom so she knows Ansley really is invited to our house to spend the night?”
Ansley’s mom? Oh shit. The Grand Inquisitor.
“Um, why don’t you give Ansley our number and have her mom call me?” I suggested. There was no way I was calling her.
Ansley is one of 13’s second tier friends, invited over only when the crowd is a largish one. The last time I was asked to call her mother was a few hours before a sleepover back in October.
“Hi, this is 13’s stepmom,” I said when she answered the phone.
“I understand you’re having a sleepover this evening,” she responded shortly.
“Yep.”
“All right, well, I have a few questions I need answered.”
“Okay.”
“How many girls will be there?”
“Five.”
“What are your plans for them?”
Plans? We’re going to blindfold them, shove them in the back of a van and drive them to Mexico. Duh. “Well, we’ve rented some scary movies and we’ll probably order some pizza and just let them do their thing,” I answered.
“Are any of those movies rated R?”
I thought for a moment. “Yeah, probably. I’m sure The Shining is rated R. I mean, most scary movies are rated R, aren’t they? And if they’re not, they’re not very scary, they’re just kind of lame and you and I wouldn’t even watch them unless we’re talking about Something Wicked This Way Comes, which I’m sure they’ve seen a hundred thousand times already…” I laughed feebly, only to hear silence on the other end of the phone. I thought I could detect the sound of scribbling and pictured her, writing CALL DSS ABOUT FERRIER CHILD in her Daytimer.
“Umm, okay,” she said finally. “Are any boys invited to this sleepover?”
“No,” I snorted. “This isn’t a co-ed sleepover.”
“Well, I had to ask,” she said curtly. “You never know these days. Now. Just a few more questions before I let my precious jewel of the Nile spend a night in your hovel. Do you have a pit bull?”
“No.”
“Doberman?”
“No.”
“German Shep-“
“We have a yellow beagle,” I interrupted.
“Has he ever bitten anyone?” she asked.
“No, but he does dry hump tweenagers,” I admitted. “I think Ansley just missed the age cutoff, though.”
“Good.” She paused as if consulting a list. “Do you keep firearms in the house?”
“No.”
“Sex tapes?”
“Nope.”
“Crack cocaine?”
“Not anymore.”
“What?!”
“Just kidding.”
“Have you or anyone in your immediate family been convicted of a felony?”
“No.”
“Do you have any coupons?”
“Uh, somewhere.”
“Can I have the last four digits of your social security number?”
“2-8-3-9.”
“And finally… where’s the beef?”
“At Wendy’s?”
I could hear the sound of calculator keys clicking.
“Look,” I said. “I really have other things to d-“
“Congratulations,” she said. “Ansley will be spending the night at your home this evening.”
“Well glory be,” I said. “And now I’ve gotta run.” I hung up disgustedly.
Yes, there was no way I was calling Bitch this time around. When the phone rang a few minutes later, I let Hubs answer it. It was 13 again.
“Dad?” she said. “Ansley’s mom won’t call you. She says it’s rude to call the host and that you’re supposed to call her.” Hubs gritted his teeth at this ridiculous form of invented etiquette, reminded himself he was doing it for his daughter, and dialed Ansley’s number.
“Hi, this is 13’s dad,” he said.
“Hello, I have a few questions I need an-“
“Look, Ansley is welcome to come to our house tonight. There will be four girls here, we’re taking them to see a movie and no boys are invited. And now, I’ve got to run.”
“When is the last time you saw a dentist?” she asked quickly.
“I’m serious,” Hubs said, “I’ve got to go to work.”
“Name the five great lakes!”
“Mrs. Harper, I-“
“Boxers or briefs?” she shouted desperately. Hubs hung up.
Ansley came home with 13 on the bus.
I guess the (phone) call of parenting hits some harder than others.
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>Gee Lindsay…you didn’t embellish this story did you? ;)I was totally giggling throughout the whole story. Oh what I have to look forward to!
>When Emi had a sleepover for her 6th birthday, I did have a mom ask me in all seriousness whether or not we kept guns, drugs, or alcohol in the house.
>Funny story, hopefully imbellished a little bit but.. Um, some of these questions are really good. We’ve read about young kids finding their parent’s guns and accidentally shooting their friends. And parents have differing ideas of what kind of movie is appropriate for 13 year old girls. I guess when my daughter is 13 I’ll be called “old fashioned” when I don’t let her go to a party because they are going to be watching something like American Pie the Uncensored version – this is the reason my 13 year old cousin was not allowed at a sleep over recently. Many parents are too busy trying to be a friend instead of a parent, so I guess she’s just trying to keep her daughter safe.
>Jeez, that lady’s wound a bit tight, huh? I’m SO not looking forward to having to deal with this type of mom…ah, the perils of having daughters.
>Tooooo funny. I can’t wait for this kind of fun.
>Yes, I’m mostly kidding here (and believe it or not, I wrote most of this post BEFORE the True Humor post, so I swear I wasn’t testing the waters or anything). I don’t mind questions- I think it’s the tone this woman uses- like I’m trying to sneak one past her or I’m secretly an axe murderer or something. And of course the fact that she insists we call her, like we’re asking for the privilege of hosting her daughter…
>Funny post, but I have to say I would rather a mom be a bit more careful than be careless. Too many moms are “friends” with their teens instead of parents. I have had parents tell me to “lighten up” when I have not allowed my teen to spend the night while they all watch R rated movies. On the other hand, I can so relate to the tone and the etiquette crap. Get over it and be real about what you allow your kids to be exposed to. I don’t always agree, but I like your humor.
>I feel bad for Ansley…regardless of the appropriateness of The Grand Inquisitor’s questions, Ansley is going to be labeled by other girls as not-worth-the-effort. Also, was it really necessary for The Inquisitor to question you a SECOND time? Isn’t the initial approval interview enough?
>This is a good time to promote http://www.kids-in-mind.com. I’m obsessed with this website. It minutely details every curse word, every sex scene, every everything in most of the movies your kids will want to see. Rather than going by ratings, I check this site out before letting the girls see a movie. Because I don’t mind them seeing a naked person if it’s not sexual, nor do I mind violence if it’s a movie like (the R-rated and excellent) Last Samurai. But I don’t want them to see graphic sex.
>Ok, I follow now.Questions = goodSnippy attitude, tone of voice = badAnd thanks for the link above. That will come in handy someday!
>New to your blog – and I just had to say that made me laugh out loud!
>Crack me up! And I think my mother went by the same list 20 years ago that Ansley’s mom is going by now. It used to embarrass the Hell out of me when she would interrogate the parents of my friends before a sleepover. Geez!
>Bwah ha ha!!! And of course every word of this is factual… 😉
>I am soooo going to be the psycho mom asking all the ridiculous questions. Hopefully my kids won’t have any friends, though, and can just spend their teenage years knitting with me.Can’t wait!
>Okay, I have to confess that I’ve been that mother on the phone asking questions about guns in the home. With a sheepish tone in my voice, of course. In my defense, I once took my four-year-old to a preschool classmate’s house and had not asked those questions in advance because I felt certain the parents wouldn’t have guns. It never occurred to me to be concerned by crossbows (real, not toys) that were being used by the two older brothers (elementary school, not teenagers). Nor did it occur to me that the mother would have the older boys keep an eye on the younger girls while she went off and did her thing. I also did not realize that the mother would then use the DVD player as a babysitter while she continued to do whatever it was that she was doing, or that the movie in question would be inappropriate (scary) for preschoolers. So, yeah, I do ask those questions.
>To be honest, I don’t have to ask a lot of questions because I know the people whose houses my girls are going to. I’m pretty involved as a parent with soccer teams and extracurriculars and I know most parents well enough to not feel uncomfortable if I have a question for them.I’ve dealt with a few Grand Inquisitors and to a woman they’ve all been moms who are never, ever around for games or events or meetings- and then they call and act all condescendingly concerned about me. Puh-leeze.As I said before, it’s not the questions, it’s the tone- the “I’ve got to keep my eye on people like you” tone. And it was also the fact that she insisted on ME calling HER!
>Yeesh. I actually *do* get concerned over what movies are shown on sleepovers.I think the point is less that a parent is concerned then, of course, with how they express concern, you know… which is pretty much what you were saying… which pretty much makes this comment redundant.Which–
>The questions seem like good ones that a lot of people think of but are embarrassed to ask for fear of appearing uncool or uptight. The insistence that you call the girl’s mom, is certainly impolite, although I’m glad you guys did call her. I kinda get the feeling the girl needs a break from her household once in a while, and you guys gave her that by being big enough to call her mom.
>I’d totally ask these questions. (Well, the R rated movies and the guns, not the dentist…ha.) I get being annoyed by the tone (it’s all in the tone) but I do think it’s good to ask questions if she doesn’t know you.
>Don’t be too hard on her… My parents were MUCH worse in the grill the host exercise. Eventually, I wasn’t invited by anyone to a sleepover because of it, and it killed my social life. So now I’m forced to live vicariously through my children… (Just Kidding!!!)Some kids get the short end of the stick when it comes to parents. Besides, you really don’t know nowadays…
>You’re saying that this is what I have to look forward to!Cheers
>While her tone may bother you a bit I am reminded of when I was in high school (80’s). My parents always called the parents of whomever was having a party. It got to be that I didn’t ask to go to places that I knew I could get into trouble. One night all my 13 year old friends went to a “sleepover” and I stayed home to babysit my younger siblings. At about 11 pm they called to have my parents pick them up because the police were there. They were afraid to call their parents but thought that if my parents brought them home it would ease the news of the night. $15,000 of damage was done to the house because boys came over with alcohol. The event spun out of control. No parents were there but the father had bought some beer for his daughter to have for her “sleepover.” No other parents called – some kids were arrested – many parents didn’t even know where their kids were. While the questions may offend you it is only because you or your girls would never dream of behaving this way. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. It may seem like the grand inquisition to you it is their “baby” they are trying to keep safe.
>Don’t worry, I’m wasn’t offended by the woman. I am poking fun at the situation. This post is intended to be humorous. Apparently, I should’ve put a warning at the top.
>It made me laugh because I recognized my own mother in The Grand Inquisitor (never thought of her while reading The Brothers K though!). The reason this type of mom is annoying to me is that I think it’s lazy parenting and that mom thinks she’s a fantastic, uber-responsible parent. If she really wanted to know what Ansley was up to, then she would get to know her daughter, her daughter’s friends, and their parents. That would yield far better information than that bossy phone call. Lindsay made this same point, and I think it’s also worth noting that Lindsay is completely available. It doesn’t sound like it’d be hard for other parents to have enough of a relationship with her and her daughters to know whether or not they have the kind of home Ansley is allowed to spend time in.
>This is very timely for me because DH and I have recently had a…um…disagreement about how much grilling is appropriate when our 6 y.o. is invited to someone’s house for a playdate. I am the laid-back parent who trusts my “vibe” of people, while he thinks we should compile a long list of questions like, 1) do you have guns in the house? 2) do you have a trampoline? 3) are older brothers, friends, cousins, uncles, etc going to be there, etc.? I’m sure these are important questions, but I don’t know if I could actually bring myself to ask them.P.S. I realize this was a humorous, lighthearted post but it’s something we’re actually facing for the first time right now so it’s been on my mind a lot lately.
>I would have sooooo failed her test! That’s funny. We’ve been having sleepovers here at an increasing rate lately. I wonder if I’ll get a mom like that. So far, it’s the opposite. They don’t seem to even care to know who I am and where their child is. I don’t get it.
>Definitely would’ve flipped once the dog questions began and tone is such an important thing to master before asking probing questions about where people store the porn and the firearms. But seriously, I’ve had my son play at another boy’s house where he was given a tour of the father’s gun closet by a five year old. I never asked if they had guns in the house…I should have.Also, I know of a little girl who was killed in a house fire while spending the night out. Turns out the batteries in the fire detectors had expired. I know the mother of said little girl wished she had asked some questions about fire safety.So, I’m the wet blanket today but I think questions, though hard to ask, are probably a good thing as long as the tone is right. Like, “I know I’m going to sound mentally ill for the next few minutes but indulge me for a minute…”
>mwahahaha! That was absolutely hysterical.
>Yeah. That was funny. Sheesh. Everyone knows Lindsay is a good mom. She has a well-known family and I’m sure word would get out if things weren’t right in the Ferrier House. It’s funny that people feel the need to state that asking questions is good. We all know that. The attitude of the GI totally set the scene. Haha…my six year old doesn’t have sleepovers or play in people’s houses because I would totally want to like, go into their house and SEE it first. (She’s never slept anywhere but family.) And my anti-social skills…speaking of which, I thought of you and your Soccer Mom lady the other day. I was dealing with the March Of Dimes for my team through email and all of a sudden, they insisted on calling me – wouldn’t communicate through email anymore. The first time they called me that night, I was a little busy so I didn’t answer. That’s when I thought of you, and I answered it the next time. See how you make me be a better person? Hahahaha.
>Funny post! I understand your humor, and you didn’t like the tone of the mother. I have a six year old and she is starting to get invited to sleepovers, and I have asked questions. (hopefully nicely though!) I have had many friends that were molested at sleepovers by a brother, step father, etc., so I’m uber paranoid about that stuff. I am friendly of the parents of her friends though, but I find it hard at this young age. 13 is old enough, but I hate making these decisions with a six year old.
>”Crack cocaine””Not anymore””What?!”That made me laugh out loud. HILARIOUS. I have totally had other moms who were crazy about letting their kids sleep over. I understand the movie questions, of course, and whether there will be boys there, etc … But I’ve had moms be amazingly neurotic. Its fine to be like, “Around what time will they be going to bed?” — But one mother made me say what my normal bedtime routine was, whether I was going to make her daughter sleep on the floor, and whether I was willing to check on them through out the night to make sure they were asleep! It’s a SLEEPOVER … sleeping isn’t supposed to be involved, haha. Anyways, thanks for the laugh.
>See? I was spot on when I awarded you a ROFL, because like no one else, you make me weak in the knees with laughter. “Name the five great lakes…” Ha!
>I know this post was just for laughs. I guess I am a wet blanket too. My 13 yr old son was at a sleepover and cut his arm open when he fell in their garage. I knew these parents well I thought. The crazy parents did not call me. The father went to Walmart to get first aid supplies. What the *? He had to to get many stitches the next morning after I picked him up (my son not the father lol). I still shudder to think if it had been his head that was busted instead.I have also have had a new six year old friend dropped off to play one Saturday and the parents did not return until the next morning. They did not answer cell or homephone during this time. We came so close to calling the sheriff. People come in all types and my kids always seem to be friends with kids with crazy parents. In my opinion you can never be to careful.
>Is “Ansley” even a real name? (not like the actual girl’s name, but is is an actual name?)
>Yes, Ansley is a real name- and a fairly common one in the South.Also- I think the kids aren’t getting enough credit here. Why, for instance, didn’t your 13-year-old call you and tell you he’d been hurt, anonymous? And why aren’t other parents having conversations with their kids to a) not go near any guns and call their parents if they see any, b) not let any man or boy touch them inappropriately and to call home the moment they feel uncomfortable, etc?And why would anyone let a 6-year-old go to someone’s home that they don’t know very well? My stepdaughters are old enough to have had what’s appropriate and what’s not drilled into their heads- They also know that they can call us if they’re uncomfortable and get us to invent an excuse as to why they need to leave- and they’ve done this before.My younger children will never spend the night at someone’s house whose parents we don’t know well until they’re old enough to call us when and if things get weird.
>Dear Ms. Ferrier,I am not in the least amused at the way in which you mock my parenting skills and the love I have for my precious child in your “blog.”I have the right–the responsibility!–to know where my child is, who she is with and what she is doing at all hours of the day and night. Hence the cell phone with GPS, her bugged backpack and the unmarked car following her at all times.I see that you do not take your parenting duties seriously. Allowing your children to watch rated Whatever movies and speak in fake English accents! I’ll bet you let them use scissors unsupervised, don’t you?I have half a mind (really–only half) to report you to CPS. However, they need to call me first. Etiquitte demands it. Sincerely,Ansley’s Batshit Crazy Motherheh heh
>I got my first grilling a couple of weeks ago. Third question out of her mouth was “Are you a Christian?” Uh….
>Wonderful slice of parenting…the relationships with parents of your children’s friends are a bit like the relationships I remember having with the children of my parents’ coworkers. The closest adult- adult relationship I can think of is the in-law variety.