>The Smack
>I would’ve liked to spend Memorial Day drinking beer on the lake remembering our troops, but the sad truth of the matter was that the kitchen floor was ass nasty and begging for a deep clean, the baby was squawling to be fed, and Punky, well, Punky was driving me out of my freaking mind.
“No! I won’t eat a banana! I want tato chips! I WANT TATO CHIPS!”
So I didn’t do much thinking about soldiers, unless you count my grandfather, a World War II vet who was as ornery as they come and who long after his death continues to make his presence known in the strong resemblance Punky bears to him when she makes faces like this one:
I said Cap’n Crunch, not Eggos, bitch! 
Hey! This isn’t Tuscan Whole Milk!
Anyway, I’m guessing my Grandaddy Chicken is dying laughing at me right now, wherever he is, as I attempt to assert my authority over an utterly indifferent three-year-old. Everything I ask her to do is met either with studied resistance or a well-practiced whine. Everything.
“Punky,” I’ll say in my best adult tone, “It’s nap time.”
“No,” she’ll say, not even bothering to look up from her activity book, “I just wanna color.”
“Punky, right now.”
“Mommm-MEEE, I said I just wanna color!”
Now at this point, my forebears would’ve responded with something like, “Get your beehonkus over here before I wear you out!” But I am an enlightened mother of the New Milennium. “Punky,” I say authoritatively. “Mommy is starting to get mad.” She looks at me skeptically, then goes back to coloring.
“Go to your bed right now!” I bellow. Punky lets out a whine, throws herself to the floor and begins pulling her body across it like a dying man in a cinematic desert. “I….” she gasps dramatically, “just… wanna…. colorrrrrr.“
“Move,” I reply through gritted teeth. It takes a full five minutes, but she finally reaches her bed and climbs inside. From the look on her face, I feel like a jail warden as I close her door.
“That’s the loudest I’ve ever spoken to Punky,” I say to Hubs, who’s in the kitchen. “That’s the loudest I’ve spoken to any of the girls.”
“It’s the age,” he says sympathetically. “You know I only spanked each girl once in her life and both of them were three when it happened.”
“Oh, but I don’t think Punky will ever need to be spanked,” I demure. “She’s not that willful.”
“I’m just telling you,” he responds. “Three is a tough age. They’re testing their boundaries. Constantly.”
Later that evening, Punky and I are playing with Bruiser in the den. She takes a pacifier and tries to force it into his mouth.
“No Punky,” I say, taking the pacifier from her. “We don’t push this into his mouth like that, and anyway, he doesn’t want it right now.” I put it on the table. She grabs it and heads back over to Bruiser. Here we go again.
“No, Punky,” I say. I take it away again and put it back on the table.
“But I want it,” she whines, reaching for the pacifier.
“I said no.” She keeps reaching.
“Don’t do it.” As her hand hovers over the pacifier, our eyes meet. In that one moment, I see every battle we’ll ever have, reflecting back and forth in our eyes and stretching onward into eternity. Damn, I think, She’s as stubborn as I am. Slowly and oh-so-deliberately, she places one finger on the pacifier, then gives me a defiant smirk. And that’s when it happens. The thing I thought I’d never do.
I take her hand in mine and I smack it.
“I said no.“
I’ve high-fived her harder than the smack I gave her. Still, Punky gasps and grabs her hand like she’s touched a hot stove. She turns and runs to the kitchen. “Daddddddeeeeee,” she cries, “Mommy hit me!”
If she’s looking for sympathy, she doesn’t get it; Hubs can guess what must have happened. Meanwhile, I’m reeling in the knowledge that holy shit, I just smacked my child. On the hand, not upside the head, but still. In my mind, a cadre of child experts surrounds me, wagging their fingers. I slump a little in my seat, wondering if the smack will be responsible for Punky’s gang initiation ten years from now, or her long rap sheet for shoplifting, or her inability to understand the concepts of Physics. Wait, that one is probably genetic.
I go into the kitchen to assess the damage to Punky’s frail psyche. She gives me a piteous look, then shuffles over for a make-up hug. We talk quietly about why it’s important to do what mommy says and not be naughty, the sun comes out from behind the clouds and order is restored.
“I can’t believe you hit her,” Hubs says in mock horror once Punky is off playing with her My Little Ponies.
“Nothing else worked!” I say. “She’s out of control. Today, she’s touching a pacifier. Tomorrow, she might be running out into the street. I can’t be out with her and the baby and worry that she’s not going to mind me.”
“I know, I know,” Hubs says quickly. “I agree with you.”
But I don’t know if I agree with myself. Until last night, I was a time-outter. And now, I’m a hand smacker. A hand smacker. I don’t know what hand smacking says about me, but I don’t think I like it. I don’t think a Green Hills Moms Club member would ever smack her little Talbot Marston Chambers IV’s hand, and I’m sure Katie Allison Granju is against it. I imagine myself going to pick Punky up from kindergarten one day, only to find small children screaming and fleeing my path. “Run! It’s the hand smacker!” “Don’t let her see your hands!” Because news here in Bellevue travels fast… but my smacking hands travel faster.
So, um, my Memorial Day was just fine, thanks. How was yours?
>Wow. You really will take on any topic, won’t you? Brave woman.When my doctor told me that spanking “teaches kids to hit,” I decided to do a little research. It turns out that child psychologists are not in agreement on the subject. Here’s a couple of links. I haven’t been able to find any study that distinguishes between parents who calmly and deliberately use an occasional spanking as part of an overall method of discipline and parents who just whack their kids as part of their own impulse control. If psychologists don’t distinguish between the two, how useful can their conclusions be?Anyway, don’t sweat it. It sounds like you made a rational, caring choice in a tricky situation. Nobody does any better than that.
>Oops. That should say “poor impulse control.”
>I am quite certain everything is ok with Punky and you have nothing to fear.
>I don’t think we are going to see a Wanted Dead or Alive poster with Punky’s photo on it 20 yrs from now because you smacked her on the hand.
>Yes, but she might just fail Physics! And I will never forgive myself! NEVER!b
>Is she seriously STILL in a high chair??
>I was spanked as a child and I made straight-A’s in Physics!
>I totally agree with veronica that the intent is what it’s all about. If you are just hauling off and smacking her, that’s totally different. Funny thing is that I’m going through the boundary thing again with my ten year old. (Yep, you heard right: IT NEVER FRICKEN STOPS). The best thing I’ve found is the Warning System. Like, “Punky, you can color for two more minutes, then it’s going to be nap time.” When you think about it, none of us would want someone saying “Now do this.” without warning.
>As the mother of a 12 year old daughter, I am qualified to tell you that it gets better.For awhile. Then it’s even worse when they hit middle school!And I will admit that I have been known to spank my children. And not the good deliberate kind of spanking, either. The 21 year old seems to have turned out just fine. Jury’s still out on the middle schooler.
>Ahh the terrible twos is such a misnomer. Its when they turn 3 that you want to drop them off somewhere and leave them there. That will drive any mom to be a “hand smacker”. I too thought I’d never do it (hitting) and actually argued with family members that insisted I was crazy and that I should be doing it.But admittedly I smacked a hand or two on a days such as you’ve described.I felt so guilty after doing it…although I know my two will be just fine.
>Constant hand smacking (as in, “I don’t believe in baby-proofing, I’ll just teach my child not to touch things.”) is bad for kids – they explore their environment less than kids who don’t get smacked. I don’t think that single smack will do any harm. But put another dollar in the therapy jar, just in case.Oh, and come up with another tactic quick, before she finds something awful to do that is so fun, it is worth a hand smack. ‘Cause then you’ve lost that disciplinary method forever!
>I started out smacking my daughter’s hand lightly and if she kept not listening I would do it harder and harder until she would know that I meant business and stop. Because of that, I have smacked my daughter’s hand so hard that it hurt ME and she still just stares me down and continues reaching for what it was she wanted in the first place. We’ve switched back to time outs. 😉 My hands can’t take it anymore.
>You really do deserve the best blog ever award. I salute you, I admire you, and I want to bring my daughter over so you can smack HER hand too!
>My best friend’s uncle owns a restaurant and every night, there are a few punky (no pun intended) teenagers who hang around, skateboard, throw things, and generally make nuisances of themselves.One night, my friend’s uncle had had enough after the kids were swearing loudly in front of all of his customers and decided to go have a talk with them. He is probably 6’4, 250 pounds, and the kid he went up to was about 5’5, 130 pounds. Anyway, he says the kid looked straight up at him, showing absolutely no fear, and said, “What? You’re not going to do anything. I’m a minor.”And of course, he didn’t do anything. He would’ve called the police but that probably would’ve resulted in a brick thrown through his window, and that’s 500 bucks to repair.And the kids still hang out there every night, making nuisances of themselves…. And THAT’S why I believe the occasional spanking is a good thing. I was spanked when I needed to be, and as a result I am a respectful, polite person. :)Ha ha.
>Oh my GAWD! I think we need to live closer so that we could go out for a nice big margarita over crap like this because I am SO RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.
>I like all of the different points of view and respect them all, but in our house we do swat our kids butts. And, it has been a very effective discipline tool. I do give them warnings, countdowns, timeouts, take away toys and give them every other chance before they get a swat. A swat is always the last resort. But I, too, have mixed feelings because I went to college and graduated with a degree in Child Development — spanking goes against every class I ever took — The problem is that every family has to make the decision to spank or not to spank. I don’t think there really is a completely right answer to that question. It’s never an easy decision to spank a child. We do not hit our children anywhere except on the behind and sometimes their hands and we have never left marks on them. I will say that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, but then what disciplinary tactic works 100% of the time with 100% of the kids?But, don’t fret, I believe we all should start therapy funds now – I’m sure we’ve all messed up our kids in one way or another!Oh, by the way, do you realize that the Wilson County schools still utilize corporal punishment in the form of 3 open-handed spanks or 3 paddle whacks? It does have to approved by the parent and a form signed, but corporal punishment is alive and well in middle TN!
>Laughing… and SOOOO relating. Three is rough, isn’t it? One of my friends told me she wanted to lock her kids in a closet when they were 3. Tempting some days… They talk about the terrible 2s, but DANG the 2s were nothing compared to the 3s.Punky sounds very much like my little boy. I tell him something’s a no-no… he responds “it’s a yes-yes!” Oy.Hilarious pictures, hand-smacker! And she still does the high chair!? Look at that. I sooo miss the high chair. It was my primary weapon in my containment parenting arsenal.
>Get the book “1-2-3 Magic!” and make it your bible. All I have to say now to my 5 and 6 year olds is “THAT’S ONE!” with a dramatic production of my index finger. “THAT’S TWO!” is for the 2nd transgression in less than 15 minutes or so, and “THAT’S THREE – TAKE FIVE!” is the ‘you’re out; go to your room for 5 minutes’ command. I even use it on neighborhood kids. If I get to 3, they are sent home. I can’t believe they still all want to play here, but they do. It’s My Way Or The Highway. My sons are 11 months apart. The little darlings were starting to rule the roost when they were 2 and 3. So, I got me some ammo – that book. It’s essentially Love & Logic parenting for the 2-12 year old set. But the best thing is it put an end to the negotiating, screaming and smacking. On my part. Um, not that you asked or anything.
>Three is very difficult.It does get better. At four.Of course mine just turned five and it’s like she’s three again, but I think it’s just because it’s summertime and therefore no school. Time out works for us, but I occasionally use a swat or yell.
>My husband is a PhD in Applied Physics, and his Mom spanked his butt all the way up the street when he was 4 because he rode his bike all the way down to the neighbor’s house.I’m sure a hand smack won’t do much damage!
>I was smacked once, at age 3? or so.It probably hurt my dad more than it hurt me. Never crossed him again.Haven’t had to do it to my kids, though my “Vader’esque” no has generated tears.
>I just did the hand smackage last week to my 26-month-old! Must be somethin’ in the water. ;)I do think 2 and 3 can be pretty strong-willed, feisty ages. And girls…they know how to push mama’s buttons, for sure!
>I have to come back and say that this…I said Cap’n Crunch, not Eggos, bitch!TOTALLY cracks me up. Is she channeling Dave Chapelle!? Tee hee.
>Having been through it twice, I’ll say that 3 is a tougher age. Twos are like “Don’t wanna!” Threes are like “What ya gonna do about it?” You do have to show them that you are the one in charge, and sometimes, for some kids that may take a little hand or bottom smack. Because it answers the question with “That’s what I’m gonna do about it!”But it’s always hard when our own parenting ideals die. I’m sure it seems like just yesterday when you were sure you were never going to say “Because I said so!”
>’I said Cap’n Crunch, not Eggos, bitch!”I almost pee’d my pants with that one. Bravo, Lindsay, Bravo!
>I echo what Veronica said.That post was brilliant – on so many levels.I’ve been down the same road. Hand smacking is what it took to stop Emma from smothering her little sister with a pillow. So I’m not feeling toooo much guilt about it.
>well…i have a 6 year old son who somehow has joined hezbula in tha last 3 months…good times.maybe i should do the hand smack, but what if he goes and blow a starbucks or something?erika23 weeks pg
>I think there’s a huge difference (and not the fine line that main stream media would have us believe) between a little hand (or even bottom) smacking and opening up a can-o-whoopass. My boys have on occasion been “hand smacked” and are very well-behaved (for boys). They are not violent, they are not afraid of their parents, and I have no fears of them growing up gang members or criminals. Passing physics, however, remains to be seen…
>The 3’s were definitely harder than the 2’s for us – and we had twins going through it at the same time. Nothing will drive a mother to drink like that!A hand smack or a spanking used in conjunction with other forms of discipline (like timeouts) are sometimes just plain necessary in order to get a point across – especially when it comes to safety and flat-out defiance. My girls have both received a rare smack on the hand or bottom and I have found that I don’t have to do it barely at all as it tends to get their attention much more quickly than timeouts for certain disobediant behavior. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re a good mom, and good mom’s do all they can to keep their children safe and to keep them from becoming disrespectful little twits!
>Dang, I wish someone had beat physics into my head like that.Note to self: don’t touch Bruiser’s pacifier when we go on our trip.
>I would never spank my child. But a hand smack every now and again never hurt anyone. Much.
>I happen to love the highchair. She climbs in it whenever she’s eating something messy on her own, like cereal or a popsicle, and it saves me a hell of a lot of clean up. When we’re having a family meal or she’s eating something non-messy, she sits at the table. And anyway, “anonymous”, what’s it to you? You think you’re going to shame me over a highchair? You’ll have to do better than that.
>I’ve smacked my kid’s hand/butt before, but he doesn’t remember it. Nowadays, if I say I’m going to smack him, he tells me I’m “not allowed to” (shout out to his dad-the-shrink!) but he does what I’ve been asking him to do. The threat is enough. More often, though, I use the 1-2-3 thing — if I get to 3, he loses a privelege or has to do a hated chore. When he was small, I used to put a favorite toy on top of the refrigerator. That was extremely effective, although sometimes we both forgot the toy was up there after a while! Also, I find giving notice before a transition helps somewhat (like telling the kiddo he’s got five minutes before bed, then four, then three…). But yes, I have smacked in the past when when my other tricks didn’t work. And I have a hunch my son is going to ace physics despite me. ;^)
>I’m not the same person who originally posted about the high chair, but when I saw Punky in it, my line of thinking went more towards the “Wow…she can still get her child to sit in a high chair” My 2-year-old finally noticed the difference between her chair and her older sister’s and now wants NOTHING to do with the high chair. Perhaps Punky sees it more as a throne than a high chair. I might try renaming ours to see if that helps with my 2-year-old.
>I think you do what works for you and your child. Who cares what the “experts” say? They don’t know you.
>God, yes, I am finding three so much harder than two! And I am very familiar with that small, creeping hand, just seeing if they can get away with it, how close she has to get before I stop her, exactly where that boundary is. And yeah, one day she hit me and before I knew it, I’d hit her hand right back. Ack! She went downstairs wailing to Misterpie, who said surely I had not and I followed her, having to admit that yes, I had reacted before my brain did. So we had a talk about how we had both been wrong, both apologized, and hugged and made up.
>Yeah…the spanking thing. A couple of years ago my husband was trying to teach our 6 year old (but more like 3 due to post institutional issues) to tie his shoes. Both husband and son have low tolerance for frustration so when son threw shoe at dad, dad jerked son up and swatted him a few times on the bum. Several months later we’re at son’s well child check up and my nurse friend and coworker is doing the developmental behavioral interview with my son. Nurse friend asks son what mom and dad do when he’s naughty (or something to that effect, getting to the question of types of disipline)and son says, in his pigeon English, my papa spanks me lots and hard cause I can’t tie my shoes. I was completely mortified and nurse friend is just laughing because she thinks he’s making it up. I promptly corrected son, telling him that he was spanked because he threw his shoe a papa not because he couldn’t tie his shoes. Then I turned to nurse friend, shrugged, and said “it happens”.To this day son still talks about the time he was severely beaten for not being able to tie his shoes.
>Smack away, Lindsay. We’ve got your back!
>Haven’t you heard? The abused look is chic.http://www.10ad.org/colors-of-domestic-violence-from-benetton/FYI–The ad campaign is a hoax, but it’s so applicable I couldn’t resist.
>Don’t sweat it. I’ll bet Punky looks at you with a new respect. And just think–you’re giving her something to blog about.
>Thank god,I was beginning to think I couldn’t come read this blog anymore because all the kids in the house were too perfect and obedient and listened to the parents when asked to take a time out.My ‘just turned three’ and I have been at it for months. He doesn’t understand why he has to listen to mommy and I think he has some OCD issues…for real, that’s not even a joke, though I wish it was.I’m embarassed to say I tanned his butt in the airplane potty today because he wouldn’t sit on the paper I put out. He won’t touch ANYTHING that has something that seems ‘dirty’ to him on it (grass, dirt, sand, scraps of paper, lint from the laundry room, ANYTHING and we’re a very messy family so I don’t know where he gets it) and he decided the paper was ‘dirty’ and nothing I could say could convince him otherwise. He screamed and creid and hit and then he started peeing on my dress and out came mean mama.I mean…MEAN mama, scary freaked out face and butt swatting and all.Was I ashamed of myself after? Sure. But he stopped peeing on me soon enough that I could clean my dress at the sink and have it dry by the time I dropped him off to his dad for visitation. Now I won’t see him for a whole month and I wonder if he’ll be glad because I’m such an awful mom. Sigh…I guess we all just do the best we can. As a chronic over achiever, but under-selfesteemed person, I’m sure mine will never be good enough.Anna
>I’m a handsmacker too but I don’t have the courage to admit it on my blog. Well done and thanks!
>I’m still laughing at the “Tuscan Whole Milk”… LOL!!!