>This One’s For the Ex Files

Last night was one of those weird nights that most second wives with stepkids know all too well.

Hubs and his ex-wife chauffered my older stepdaughter and her friends to a haunted house and a movie together while I stayed at home and watched the little ones.

And you know what? It was fine. Perhaps early on in our marriage, I would have been anxious, but seven years in, it was just no big deal. I have a happy marriage and we’ve created a wonderful home together for our family; I know all of my stepdaughter’s friends and their parents very well. No one questions my role in the girls’ lives, and for that I’m lucky. Last night was simply a chance for my girls’ friends to meet their mom.

I was reading the “Blended Family” board here on Parents.com and it seems to be filled with drama and strife that’s often ex-related. In that respect, it’s not unlike every other stepparenting board I’ve ever encountered. I realize that stepparents need a place to vent and blow off steam, and believe me, I’ve been through more than my share of blended family trials and tribulations (believe me, you have no idea), but I think we’d all do better to accentuate the positive in our blended families, to work with what we’re given, and to stop focusing so much on the ex if that’s our problem and turn our attention instead to the relationships that are still intact.

You can’t know (or maybe you can!) how nice it was not to worry about last night, but to be happy that both parents could participate peacefully in their daughter’s birthday. I challenge every one of you out there who’s a stepmom to figure out what you can do to make your blended family situation more harmonious. One thing I’ve learned (the hard way) is that I can’t change anyone but myself; I encourage you to focus on your own behavior and not that of your spouse’s ex and make a positive difference any way you can. I guarantee you’ll be a whole lot happier- and I’ll bet your family will be, too.

This post originally appeared in Parents.com.