>To My Darling Husband
>Dear Hubs,
I just wanted to write you this public letter thanking you for all you do. From buying me a brand new Macbook with only a minimum of cursing to your thoughtful Mother’s Day gift of a bottle of wine for each child who drives me to drink (not to mention the tickets to see Ira Glass), you are the ultimate model of loyalty, affection, good humor, and generosity. Really, I can’t think of one single thing that I would change about you, except for maybe the way you refuse to put your shoes in the basket by the front door when you come inside. Other than that, you’re perfect! A true 9.99!
Why else do you think I run to the door when you come home each night and throw my arms around your neck (after picking myself up off the ground from my face-first fall over the flip flops you left in the hallway that morning)? It is only because I am so filled with joy to see you, my darling- and to remind you for the zillionth time to put your perpetually mud-encrusted shoes in the damn basket.
We’ve stuck together through good times and through bad. We’ve had so many romantic evenings together, dancing to 50-Cent here, eating Chateaubriand in a five-star European restaurant there, that I can’t even count them all. We’ve also had our share of sleepless nights, you changing puke-covered crib sheets, me pacing the floor with a wailing baby and then stumbling to my knees over the ginormous pair of Doc Martens you planted in the center of the hallway-for-God’s-sake-what-were-you-thinking. We’ve gotten through it all together. You, me, the kids, and your shoes. Your big, dirty shoes.
But we’re more than husband and wife- we’re also best friends. When you’re not here, I feel lost. Everything reminds me of you, from the sneakers you dumped in front of the kitchen door to the loafers you abandoned in the exact spot where you took them off in the dining room. Images of your handsome face fill my head and I wonder how on earth I got so lucky to end up with a man who is so much fun to be around, and yet absolutely refuses to put his fucking shoes in the motherfucking basket!
Here’s to the years we’ve shared, Dearest, and to many more years to come. May we spend them together in a perpetual state of blissful Nirvana (which requires, I’m told, bare feet) and learn to recognize trouble by any name, whether it’s Nike, Birkenstock, or Bass Weejun.
All my love,
Lindsay
>Hilarious! We also have shoe issues. You had me rolling with laughter.
>From where I sit I see a pair of size eleven Cole Hahn loafers, and a pair of size eleven Rockport Jeebus Sandals. And that’s just in the living room! Is this a damned man thing? Is this what they do when they can no longer leave the toilet seat up? Is this their revenge? I think so… verily! But… he did get me a Spa gift cert. for Step-Mother’s Day… maybe the shoes aren’t so bad? Maybe.
>Why is it that the practically perfect husbands leave their shoes in the doorways and jerky husbands manage to put them away? Mine does the same exact thing-he thinks he is doing me a favor by not bringing them INTO the house (cause they’re dirty) but can’t put them somewhere out of the way. I guess I need to complain about something and I am glad it is random shoes and not bigger problems. We are both pretty lucky!
>My husband is the shoe nazi of the house. I leave my shoes in the foyer and he always makes a HUGE deal about putting them in the hall “shoe” closet. I wonder if it is because he is the one that stays home?
>The wine helps you ignore the shoes. That is, unless it causes you to trip over them. It’s funny, in my house when people leave things out and out of place, they just disappear. I think I am, er, I mean, have a fairy trashmother that takes care of me.
>Bwah ha ha ha!
>OOOps, in my house, it is the opposite problem…I leave my shoes out, and my hubby has given up. LOL! I just leave them in a pile at the back door though, not in places where he can trip over them!
>Snort- oh my goodness, you made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants. My husband has the same exact habit and it drives me bonkers. Thanks for the laugh this morning 🙂
>Putting daddy’s shoes in the closet is a great way to keep a toddler busy. Cause there’s always so many to pick up.
>This is so, so funny! Great letter!
>Catnip, my daughter loved to put shoes away and that game worked very well with her. My son, however, likes to EAT shoes, which makes this whole thing even more maddening!
>Hilarious…so…his shoes bother you, you say?
>Great Post! I wish that I could find such a lighthearted way to vent my hubbie frustrations. Truly an inspiration 🙂
>You need more baskets. One per square foot should do the trick.Or, you establish a “dog poo and grass” rule. Every time a pair of shoes is left outside of the basket they get thrown into the dog-poo filled back yard. Not only will they end up filthy and impossible to wear again, they will also be impossible to find in all of that un-mowed grass. And then he can just go barefoot.If he could also get pregnant and bake you a pie that would be great.Thanks.
>I laughed as I read this and thought of my own husband’s size 12 shoes laying next to the pile of clothes he left in the middle of the living room floor.
>Funniest thing I’ve read this week!
>Long time reader, first time commentor.It must be an XY chromosome thing. My husband does the same thing. I didn’t know he owned so many pairs of shoes, or wore so many in one day for that matter. I didn’t even think he knew where the laundry room was until I found some sandles in there. How could I have missed the moment my husband figured out how the clothes get washed?!?! It doesn’t matter how many times I inform him of the neck-breaking fall I almost had, the shoes are always there greeting me in each and every room, reminding me of the joys of parenthood. Oh wait! I’m his wife, not his mother…..
>That was effing hysterical!
>Thank you for adding laughter to my afternoon. I just hope that Honey doesn’t read your blog or I’ll have a copy of this with a few of the words changed waiting for me, from him when I get home.
>I bet Ira Glass doesn’t leave his shoes lying around! Yay, you got a new MacBook.
>Thanks for making my co workers turn around and stare as I laughed out loud at my computer!
>I wish I could say that I feel your pain about the shoes. My house is exactly opposite. I leave my shoes wherever I take them off, though usually it is in a corner, by my desk, under the bathroom vanity or under the coffee table. I can probably count on at least one hand how many pairs are scattered through out the house on any given day before work. When I get home, around 11pm, the shoes have miracously made it back tot he closet in the pile that was meant for them.
>Around here, it’s socks. Which, less of a tripping hazard, but still annoying.
>Your a lucky girl if that’s your complaint about Hubs. Hush up, and count your lucky stars!
>Bwahahaha!!!
>Am printing this out now for the huz. TOO FUNNY.
>Foul! No Fair!Blogging tongue in cheek about how wonderful he is all the while pointing out his one and only weekness.I am sure you might have one annoying habit that he doesn’t publicize to the eleven million readers you have each week!Play nice when maligning the Hubs!
>I could have written that letter–well, except for the MacBook and the 5 star European restaurant!
>K’man, Hubs actually thought it was funny. In fact, I think his exact words were, “I laughed out loud.”And what makes you think this is his one and only “weekness?” Do you know my husband? Cuz he has lots more weeknesses. Like tonight? He totally spilled fruit punch on the playroom rug. AND I GAVE HIM HELL.As for me, well, I’m perfect. But you knew that already.
>Be careful about complaing too much or your handsome husband might leave you for greener, less nagging pastures. Seriously, it starts with a little complaining and then quickly escalates.I know 5 men who have recently divorced their wives for this reason. It sounds like he is a really great guy so appreciate, appreciate, appreciate!
>Ah, domestic bliss… Lindsay’s hub, you’re a lucky guy…with big feet 😉
>Hysterical! I have to say that I giggled a little watching your hubs on the news last night. He has the ability to fight the mighty water contaminators, but can’t put a shoe up to save his life – hee hee.
>Why the hell are some of you blasting her for this? Especially, if you are women!! Sorry, but I think he is pretty lucky to have Lindsay.
>That was priceless! My hubby has the same issue with keys…he leaves them everywhere except for the basket I have to put keys in. Then he loses them and can’t find them. And forget about it when he uses MY car keys. I usually notice they are missing when I’m running late and need to get out the door.
>Yankee, never leaves his shoes out, that is purely mine and the kids’ domain, so I don’t think it’s an XY thing, because he is about as manly as they come.
>You know, I’m sitting here in my coral shirt (LLBean overstock, of course) and am nodding as I read this. I must say that I, um, feel a kinship with your Hubs. I, too, take my shoes off wherever, and never hear the end of it. My shoes are everywhere. (Psst, Hubs: I’m pretty sure it’s a sign of superior intelligence ;-)… )
>LMAO!! Thank you so much for the much need laugh.
>Oh wow – I laughed out loud – hard!! I think it’s time to start hiding his shoes when he leaves them out. Maybe you could put them outside near some dog poop? Or maybe just near the dog – I’m sure the dog would love them. My husband’s pile of shoes by the front door is almost as big as my pile of shoes by my hamper but the only person tripping over my shoes is me!
>You are the funniest thing I have read all week.:)Does he leave the stinky socks laying around too?I get more annoyed by the way he insists on taking his Macbook to bed with him, literally. Every night I rescue it from the edge of the bed and put it down someplace safe after he falls asleep.That and snacking in bed. Last week an entire bottle of hot sauce, leftover from eating some snack in bed, fell and hit the carpet next to the bed. It was open of course.I don’t usually call him at work to yell at him…
>Naughty husbands, naughty boy children, and even naughty boy students! They all think that their GIANT shoes for their stinky feet live at the bottom of the stairs, thus to break their fall when they fall down them out of sheer clumsiness.
>You’re being featured on Five Star Friday:http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/05/five-star-friday-edition-6.html
>One random method for dealing with shoes: get a pet that eats shoelaces. Our rabbit eats the aglets — the little thingies at the ends of the laces. No one leaves shoes within her reach any more!
>Brilliant!
>If the shoes (or anything else) ever becomes a serious issue, you can always remind him how you saved him from this: http://markkellyhall.blogspot.com/2008/05/dreaded-answering-machine.html…and how easily you could return him to it.
>It’s funny, I didn’t notice you guys living in my house, yet you must be, because how else can I explain all of those men’s shoes scattered AROUND (not in) the basket by the door???This is the best letter ever. I forwarded it to my husband and am linking back to it on my blog. Thanks for the laugh!