>What to Do While Your Wife is at BlogHer

1. It is advisable to place dirty dishes inside the dishwasher (that big, black thing beside the sink) as opposed to leaving them on the countertops.

2. It is also advisable to wipe any spilled food or drink off of the countertops with a sponge (that soft green thing that retains water on top of the sink). Failure to do so may result in some poor, innocent soul placing her prized Prada knockoff purse on top of said counter when she returns home and later having to pry it loose from the assnasty goo it got stuck in.

3. If a certain potty trainer has an accident in her underwear and you deem it bad enough to throw the underwear away, flinging it in the general direction of the guest bathroom trashcan is, shall we say, not so bright.

4. Greeting a newly-returned traveller with unexplained coffee stains on the walls and ceiling doesn’t exactly say, “Honey, I’m glad you’re home! We did just fine without you!” Might I suggest a large vase of Casablanca lilies instead?

5. The dining room table should not be confused with the trashcan.

6. The trashcan should not be confused with a bottomless pit that needs no further attention.

6. Appointing a three-year-old as interior decorator in your wife’s absence is maybe not such a good idea.

7. If you run out of toilet paper, you really should consider buying more at the supermarket (that large building down the street that says “Kroger” on it). Since your wife will have been staying with roomates in a hotel with a bathroom that has a sliding straw door and shutters opening into the bedroom, allowing every small noise within to be heard by all, she may very well need toilet paper to be loaded and ready upon her return home.

8. You may want to reconsider your assertion that you don’t need a maid.

This post originally appeared on Parents.com.