>Bargain Boobs
>”I guess you know I had implants,” she said, hugging me gingerly.
“Yeah,” I said. I paused, feeling awkward and unsure of what to say next. Was I supposed to compliment them? I imagined some possibilities. “The girls are lookin’ good!” “I guess melons are definitely in season!” “Gee, you seem especially round and firm today!” She stared at me expectantly as I mentally crossed out one line after another.
“Uh, you look great,” I said finally.
She smirked for a moment and then sighed extravagantly. “I feel awful,” she said. “One is bigger than the other. They’re totally lopsided and this has been the worst two weeks of my life. Did you know for the first three days, you can’t even move your arms? I had to get my husband just to lift me up in the bed. And then when I got in the pool the other day, my boobs just shot up to the top of the water and I was in so much pain, I thought I was gonna die.”
“Wow. Well, how long did it take?” I wanted to know.
“Five hours.”
“Five hours?! That’s, like, major surgery! How long did you have to stay at the hospital?”
“I left the same day. It was at the residents’ clinic,” she shrugged.
“A resident did your boob job?”
“They charge half-price!”
Sweet jeebus. I was looking at a bargain boob job. I’m all for deals, but seriously, if you’re planning on cutting into me with a scalpel, you’d damn well better be the best scalpel wielder in town.
“Someone told me they’ll start to feel natural in about two years,” she said.
“Two years!”
“I know,” she said. “If I knew then what I know now, I never would have done it. It was the worst pain of my life.”
I’ve never been opposed to plastic surgery if it makes a woman feel better about her body (particularly post-baby), but is this kind of torture par for the course? Because if that’s the case, it is so totally not worth it.
Do breast implants really hurt this much?
*Speaking of boobs, every mom has them (how’s that for a segue?) and there’s a new website out there for moms that’s like a messageboard for the new millennium. Read about it here, then go for a visit and I bet you’ll become as addicted to it as I am.
*And while we’re on the subject of boobs, there’s some exciting news for breastfeeders- Check out my review of Medela’s newest, most affordable electric breastpump yet.
>That was pretty much my experience, yes. 🙁
>I can’t speak from the viewpoint of a breast implant recipient but I can speak from the viewpoint of a woman who’s hugged a woman with implants and yes it hurt to hug her. Those suckers were hard as rocks.:)
>gross. just gross. maybe it’s way too judgemental to admit but I find plastic surgery (especially after having a baby – and especically since living in the little botox village that is nashville) just silly. if becoming a mother taught me anything it’s to respect my body for all that it is capable of and to say the hell with what the world expects it to be.
>I used to be hard against *surgical improvements* – but find myself wondering “What if I got some Botox right here?” Then I remind myself that it stands for Botulism Toxin and vow to stop scrunching my forehead.However, I’ve always wanted a boob job. I read Glamour’s big thing on them a few months ago and decided against them then. Particularly because THEY AREN’T PERMANENT! Most of them need to be replaced after some time. I wouldn’t want to go through her pain once, let alone twice or more!
>Lindsay, I’m a new mom of a 4-week-old, and for the last week or two your blog has been a wonderful companion while I do the “feed-change-soothe baby, repeat” routine. But now I’m deeply bummed because I’m all caught up!Just wanted to say, thanks for your funny, fearless, touching writing! Now, could you up your output to approximately a month’s worth per day, for my sake? Thanks, that’d be great.
>Sorry, I’ll need before and after photos before I decide.
>My experience wasn’t that bad, but I bet she had a lift and implants. I had implants only. So far so good but I’m not always happy with how ‘firm’ they are.
>ugh! no fake boobs for me… debbie
>My fear is that everyone else will get implants, and I’ll be the only woman over the age of 12 with my size of chest. I don’t want to be 50 years old and buying my shirts at Gap Kids!
>You naysayers are just jealous that your boobs don’t look as good when youre forty as ours do after we’ve had implants. Deal with it. Our bodies, our choice.
>A woman I knew years ago had a “boob job”. She had to stay in another room, separate from the Master Bedroom so Hubby would not forget her pain in the middle of the night. She was bed ridden for 2 weeks. Could not lift her arms. Her mandatory “bra” looked more like a straight jacket.One thing in particular that still stick with me today, her doctor told her he would not recommend implants if she planned on having any more children. He could not guarantee she could breast feed a baby after the surgery. She had two children and decided this would be the time to do it. She did have them replaced a few years ago due to one of them might have a possible breach.After seeing what she went through both times I would not go through it myself later on in life. To the grumpy Anonyomous. Not all of us want to be perfect. I feel fine with my 36C.
>From a someone with a natural 38D, I have no idea why women would voluntarily enlarge their breasts. The only plastic surgery that sometimes looks good to me (for about 1 millisecond) is breast reduction! I have a hellish time finding clothes that don’t look vulgar, a bathing suit that fits, a good bra. And I’ve spent the years since puberty being stared at in the chest instead of the face…
>Well, “anti-naysayer” – you’re anonymous so how the hell could anyone be jealous of you? The fact that you had a boob job does not make you gorgeous. It just means your chest is bigger than it was before. For all we know, you could be a Butter Face – “Her body’s nice, but her face is FUGLY!”
>Hey, maybe you should ask her to feel ’em just to double-check. Oh wait, I guess this isn’t THAT kind of blog! 😉
>LMAO… I always thought that flotation device thing was just a punchline!No experience on this front… I happily stick with the mosquito bites God gave me!
>I have had mine done, and yes, it hurt very much for a few weeks.Then, the pain went away, but the side of my right breast was numb. The feeling has come back now, so no more problems. In my experience, I did the massages, followed all the instructions e.g. don’t lift, work out, etc. So, I didn’t end up with the “hardness” that some people have. I would have to say, going from a B- to a full C, I didn’t expect the attention they would get. I wanted it from my husband, but not strange men. I used to be able to wear cute tank tops, now its uncomfortable, they just stand out. So, if I could do it again, would I? Yes. But, I’d get them smaller, so strange men didn’t notice, but post baby, I’d still feel sexy with my shirt off with my husband.
>Implants? No. Got enough as it is. But I WOULD like a liiiiift! Then I could be over 40 and looking perkier than I ever did. Them things racing each other to get it my navel just ain’t cuttin it anymore. :>And Rick? All you have to do is google “implants” and cruise the image results to get a MAJOR eyefull. Some of them actually look dangerous.
>Women over 40 with minor implants or a lift look 50x better and younger than their natural counterparts. Any man would agree with me.
>lucinda, i just wandered back over here after a hot commencement to the summer season, and i want to say that i am still scarred from reading people magazine’s article about Punky Brewster(who was later dubbed “Punky Boobster” by some mean post adolescent young men) and her painful breast reduction surgery. yah, it sounds like a nightmare. they take things off and sew them back on, that’s all i’m sayin. which is worse…i opt for the bigger trying to go smaller since i can sympathize.
>I guess I’m just a freak! I had mine done by an awesome doctor, and had a quick, virtually pain free recovery. I had them done on a Thursday morning, and went out the next night. I took pain medication for the first few days, and then after that I was fine. I was a little sore, but nothing unbearable. I would do it again in a second! Maybe I just have a very high tolerance to pain.
>I used to have GREAT boobsNow, after breastfeeding 2 kids (well, still feeding a 14 motnh old) my boobs are looking VERY worn-in.I am almost contemplating something. once I would’ve said that wsa the height of female insecurity. Now – I’m not so sure…
>What a bummer for that woman! I’ll hoist and tuck but I don’t want to implant. I’m too afraid I’ll hate it and never get my old lovably saggy boobs back.
>”I guess melons are definitely in season!”oh, that made me laugh.
>This has now made me rethink the appointment I made this morning with a plastic surgeon…