>Dead Weight
>Hubs has been in the doghouse the last few days but even he admits he totally deserves it.
First off, remember that he is diet obsessed. A few months ago (while I was in my third trimester, damn him), Hubs lost 25 pounds on the Atkins diet and kept it off. Now he’s turned his attention to what the girls and I put in our mouths, to the point where I’m paranoid about eating anything at all and have had to ask him to lay off. Because first off, I’m breastfeeding and have to have a minimum amount of calories per day, which I’m now having trouble reaching and secondly, I’m 2 1/2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and I think I’m doing pretty damn good without his advice on whether I can afford the calories in a McDonalds value meal after a day of traveling and no food at all.
All this to say that while he was pontificating the other night about blah, blah protein and blah blah carbs as we made our dinner salads, 16 and I disagreed with him on some factoid or other he’d drawn from his vast store of dieting knowledge. “All I know is, there are two skinny people in this house,” he smirked, looking at our resident waif, 14, for back up.
And then my head spontaneously exploded.
I mean, how could he have been so dumb, messing with the hormones and insecurities of both a 16-year-old (who’s not fat, by the way, but is trying very hard to lose ten pounds and having a hard time doing so) and a woman who gave birth a mere three months ago? He’s been paying for it ever since, too, earning a 30-minute rant from 16 the other night and statements from me like, “Because I’m a fat pig, that’s why,” after asking me why I’m not having seconds at dinner.
To his credit, he’s apologized profusely and I’ve tried very hard to forgive him. He’s an amazing husband, compliments me all the time and does whatever he can to help me. Part of me feels bad even writing this, particularly because I say stupid things all the time.
But suddenly, in the back of my mind, I imagine him looking at me and seeing cellulite on the backs of my legs or my damned mummy tummy that’s always the last thing to go on a post-pregnancy diet. The thing is, casual remarks like his (remarks that weren’t intended to hurt my feelings) have routinely set me down hardcore diet paths in the past, too, like the time when, at the age of 24, I called in my measurements for a bridesmaid’s dress and was told I’d need a size that was a full 4 sizes larger than my normal size and, despite the fact that the seamstress told me the dresses ran very, very small, I promptly lost 25 pounds after that (when I had about ten to spare), ensuring that the dress hung on me like a gigantic sack and also ensuring that I would eventually find myself in the emergency room a horrible case of the flu, a 105-degree fever and an iv drip. I literally had no reserves with which to fight the illness. And I knew in my heart that my rapid weight loss was to blame.
Is it just me, or can you point to specific instances in your life in which you became utterly convinced you that you absolutely needed to lose a zillion pounds pronto or, or ELSE? Even now, as I sit here and tell myself that I look fine and that I’m doing a great job losing the baby weight and that I’m hungry and need to eat, the thought of actually putting something in my mouth repulses me. Because I can’t shake that feeling that this man whom I love and whom I want to love me thinks.
I’m.
Fat.
>Um hey, two pounds away from pre-pregnant weight…you are doing great!I always go the other way and over eat when I think someone whose opinion I care about thinks I’m fat. (like my dad when I was 12.) It’s like I refuse to change in order to be loved, I demand that they love me as I am, and then in a fit of rebellion I eat more. Or it’s like all the pleasure of being thin just for myself and my health is lost because I feel as though I’m doing it to please someone else and I hate that. I think that’s probably just as messed up, if not more. Reverse reverse psychology.
>Wow. . . I’m totally impressed by your weight loss, but just amazed that he would say something like that. Why is it that men really will say things that are completely insane? Lacking a vital filter, yes?
>Thanks for the nice words. I swear I’m not looking for compliments on the weight loss thing. I’ve frankly been too busy to eat much and that combined with the breastfeeding has helped. But I wanted to write about it because I’m so mad at myself for having weight issues at all. And I think that a lot of us do, no matter what size we are. And ugh. It’s just disgusting and sad.
>Ooh, this subject just burns me up. This past Mother’s Day weekend, both my usually wonderful MIL and my mother did this to me. While shopping with my MIL, I tried on some clothes that didn’t fit quite right (I refuse to buy anything that doesn’t fit perfectly- why bother if you can’t wear it right now?), and when I told my MIL they were a bit too tight for my taste, she said, “Oh that ok! You could get them anyway and hang them on the wall for encouragement to lose weight!” WTF? I’ve never mentioned trying to lose weight…are you trying to tell me something?But my own mother did her one better. As I picked her up the next morning to go out to lunch for Mother’s Day, she looked pointedly at my belly and said, “You’re pregnant, aren’t you!”I didn’t think I was fat before, and objectively, I still don’t (for reference, I’m 5’8”, 158 lbs), but boy, it’s very hard sometimes to surpress the urge to buy a case of Slim Fast and drop 20 lbs in the next 4 weeks just to ‘show’ them…p.s. Awesome job getting back into pre-baby shape!
>Wow.I can’t believe Hubs said something so horrible and unenlightended. Having three daughters, you’d think he’d have some concern for the very real body issues that girls and women face every day. Asinine. Disgusting. And what about the two gifts your “not thin” body has given him – his children? Unfortunately, those “slips of the tongue” often reveal some nasty truths about people we love. He’d be sleeping in the backyard for a verrrry long time if he were mine. I hope you demanded an instant apology and read him the riot act. Your daughters will internalize that attitude, and that’s not good.
>That was definitely a dumb thing to say. I’m sure he didn’t mean it to actually hurt anyone, but damn.I overeat when I’m worried about my weight. I’ve been struggling to lose the last ten pounds (of fifty) of my baby weight for a year and a half. None of my old clothes fit me and I go though bouts where I hate myself so much for not losing it, that I eat – what’s the word – compulsively? I’ve done it my whole life off and on, but it hurts so much more now. I’m only going anon because I’m so ashamed to admit this about myself in public. My point was that my guy says things like 1/1000 of that, just stuff like “Are you going to wear that?” and he has some total other reason for it, but it makes me flip out. I haven’t always been like this – I used to have self-esteem. I don’t know what I would do if someone – especially my guy said that to me. I’m glad you know that you’re doing well, Lindsay. None of us should care what anyone says about our looks, but sadly a lot of us do. It’s just a matter of self-worth. I’ll find mine again someday.
>Oh, how loudly I hear you. When I was 12 years old, my mom “wrecked” a panful of fudge and told me I could eat as much of it as I wanted before she threw it out. I was 12 and thought the fudge tasted fine, so my reaction was, “You’re sh*tting me — all that fudge… for ME???” (Let it be said here that I was extremely athletic and belonged to a track & field team and was training several days a week, so I was in extremely good shape at that time. I just happened to have an outrageous sweet tooth.) Anyway, just as I was starting to dig in to the fudge, my father said in the most loathing-filled, disparaging tone you could ever imagine, “Look at you! You’re a disgusting pig!” And even after my mother chastised him, he stood by his words and refused to apologize because he thought my naked hunger for that fudge bordered on the obscene. I remember crying in my room afterwards, vowing that I was going to go on a diet immediately and would never again cave into my cravings or give my father the opportunity to call me “weak-willed” or “disgusting” again.”That’ll show him,” I thought.(But you know what? My dad is actually a really nice guy, certainly not the villain that this one particular incident would suggest. I think he was just trying to instil some discipline in me and went about it in exactly the wrong way.) Well. It’s probably no shock to learn that I have since struggled with body image disorders my whole life and was an on-and-off-again bulimic for almost 15 years. Whee! Of course, my problems didn’t stem from that particular day, but I think it’s telling that it’s stayed with me all these years. I still have a problematic relationship with food and usually hate looking in the mirror. But there are two things I’ve found enormously helpful: 1. In terms of food: I actually became vegan for five years, which forced me to think of foods in terms of what I HAD to eat in order to stay healthy (as opposed to what I wanted to eat). I’m no longer vegan but I do still try to make sure I eat a proper combination of vegetables, protein, and complex carbohydrates. It keeps my energy levels out and drastically reduces my desire to snack on unhealthy, energy-draining foods. 2. In terms of body image and what being “healthy” really means: When I was around 30 I had an epiphany in which I realized that if I wanted to incorporate more physical activity into my life, I should focus on doing the things I actually enjoyed doing as a kid, when I was at my most active. (As opposed to making it an onerous chore — like going to the gym, which I absolutely detest.)So these days I get my activity from cycling to work (because I’ve always enjoyed riding a bike and because it’s actually FASTER for me to bike to work than drive or take public transit, so I don’t have to make special time for it). I also do about an hour of yoga four mornings a week, because I find that stretching really energizes me and puts me in a calm frame of mind for the day ahead. So right now I’m probably healthier than I hve been in years. I’m at my ideal weight and I never let myself go hungry because I make sure I always have healthy foods to snack on. (Of course, there ARE times when I fall off the wagon and go nuts on the snacking and the after-work beers for a couple of weeks, but nobody’s perfect right? RIGHT?) Oops. Wrote a book. Don’t know if any of this will help anyone, just felt the need to do a bit of venting.
>I read a great post today… She’s got a good POV.
>Geesh! Have a little respect Dude. Not to make excuses for him but men just don’t get the whole weight/women thing. To them it’s like a competition. A goal to me met. For us…it’s our sense of self-worth. It’s maddening how a stupid number on a scale…one pound over the imaginary “fat” line and our esteem plummets. It is sick. Take good care of yourself. When hungry. Eat. You are feeding two. You are doing a great job and you are beautiful, as is.
>Hey, I’ve got that going on right now and no one’s even said anything to me! Living in NYC left me effortlessly thin–walking everywhere and dragging a stroller around will do that! Then we came here. Total CarLand. No sidewalks. Couldn’t walk anywhere if I wanted to. Unless I want to take a hike. No shops, bathrooms, and can’t really take the kid with me. Anyway. At first it was fine, but a few months in, wow! I’m just glad I threw my scale away (in my post baby phase, I had it parked in front of the fridge so that every time I thought about eating I had to weigh myself first) because frankly, I don’t want to know. However…I have a reading. In September. Back in New York. And uh, I’m really thinking that I should show up looking good. Which of course, to me, means thin. How I looked when I left.I will say that I totally gave up on the cellulite, mommy tummy, etc. It’s enough for me, now, to just look good in clothes. Who cares how I look naked. It’s his damn fault too that I had a baby.
>For those of you who aren’t longtime readers here, I have to reiterate that Hubs is awesome. He really is. It was a slip of the tongue and I get that. And he does so many nice things that more than make up for one off statement.But yeah, I can’t stop thinking about it. And I really loathe myself for that.
>I am blessed to have a husband who still sees the girl he met when we were 16 and 17, and not the woman I am 36 years later. I did go through a period of insecurity and drastic weight loss. When I was 14 I was anoreic, although they didn’t diagnose it that way then.
>I feel like I’ve been really lucky in the weight department, but still, every so often I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and want to shriek, “OH MY GOD I’M SO FAT LOOK AT MY GUT!!!”And then there was that ex-boyfriend of mine who went jean shopping with me one day and said, “Those would have looked great on you a month ago, you know, when you were in shape for your 1/2 ironman.” Or the time he noted my weight gain when I lost my job. Asshole. Allow me to share with you my self-esteem mirror trick. I love it. All my friends love it. Trick: Get a cheap flexy floor length mirror like the one shown here and lean it against the wall. The middle will bow away from you slightly. This will make your midsection appear thinner, and your legs look longer. You can adjust how far you pull the base of the mirror out from the wall depending on how thin/long legged you want to look that day. It’s AWESOME (just try to avoid other mirrors). It’s totally helped with my self esteem. I love it.By the way, you know you look hot. 2.5 pounds away from your pre-baby weight is essentially equal to your pre-baby weight. I hope your husband feels very bad right now.
>Oh, I dunno, how about having a boyfriend who was the captain of track/cross country in high school and a dad who has said that he would divorce his wife if she gained 20 lbs. (She weighs 115)Or seeing a picture of your mom holding you when you were 3 months old in a bikini, looking better than you (at 21) ever have.I’m 5’4 and 125 lbs, which isn’t fat… but it isn’t thin either. My boyfriend and my dad both contend that I have no excuse to weigh anything more than 120, and my boyfriend takes any opportunity to say, “Instead of doing (homework/watchingtv/going to the bar) you could have just ran a mile, and if you could just do that every day, then you wouldn’t need to worry.. I don’t know why you wont.. but whatever.”I know he means well, but the comments can become nasty sometimes, and I don’t know if its abusive or if it is just frustrating for someone who exercising comes naturally to see someone who complains about their weight and then puts off exercising at all costs.Thanks for the opportunity to bitch ha ha.–nicola
>Maybe what he doesn’t know is that gobs of us in b**g world would be glad to take you off his hands. Tell him that and see what he thinks — if he thinks (ho ho).
>Silly hubby. He’s old enought to know better.I don’t get it anyway. When my wife gets below 150 or so, there are diminishing returns. She loses her boobs!No,no. This will not do at all.I think will make meatloaf and mashed potatoes tomorrow night. đŸ™‚
>Oh no he di’n’t!! It’s such a shame that the Y chromosome doesn’t come with the genetic coding for thinking before you speak! Maybe there’s a telethon for that or something….
>Sorry to go anon, but I don’t have a blog! I would just be concerned that with teen girls in the house, he might be talking them right into an eating disorder. He might want to ease up on the dieting talk a bit. And you? Beautiful. And a new mommy. Who’s breastfeeding. Tell him to shut up. đŸ™‚
>First of all–to Nicola–in my book, 5 ft 4 inches and 125 pounds sounds pretty great! Healthy BMI, etc. If your dad and your boyfriend are harping on you to weigh 120, that is just wrong of them. Let your doctor tell you what a healthy weight is for you and forget about them.And Lindsey–I know what you mean about it sticking in your mind. I think most people can remember exactly how they felt when something was said that made feel like that. Here’s mine: got married in October, quit weighing myself, drank Dr. Peppers all day, gained 20 pounds in 6 months. Seriously. Went to a church function in my hometown in May and someone asked my mom when my baby was due. And my mom TOLD ME. I was so horrified. I went home and tried on every pair of pants that I had and cried. So I totally feel your pain. I am really sorry that Hubs said it. Casual remarks like that can really crush self esteem.
>I agree with Anon above…I’m sure your hubby wasn’t trying to be cruel or anything, but I think you really need to talk to him about what he says in front of teenage girls. Not just thoughtless comments, but diet-obsessive talk in general. And, to be frank, if you are 2 pounds away from your pre-pregnancy weight, you need to watch what you say, too, because you are doing REALLY WELL and as the amazing role model that I know you are from reading your blog, you need to show them the confidence that a woman can have with her body. Sorry to lecture, but when I was a teenager, all my relatives were obsessed with weight and dieting, which made me feel like I was fat at a time when, I kid you not, I was 5’7″ and 130 pounds. Seriously. I thought I was fat. Words can have a big effect on body image…especially when we are teenagers. Especially Mom and Dad’s words.
>Why is fat such a loaded adjective? Why does it equate to worthless, stupid, ugly, lazy, etc? Why is it such an important word to women? Why is it the ultimate insult to hear above “heartless” or “mean” or “distant”? All it speaks of is a natural process our body does to prevent us from starving later. Let’s stop giving it such importance. As women, we can choose to let it not run our lives…..
>”the thought of actually putting something in my mouth repulses me”Oh man, I wish I had a little of that. Truly. I have lost 5 lbs in the past month & could stand to lose at least 30 more. I just like food too damn much. Men and weight… the number’s no biggee to them. My hub talks numbers every day when he’s on the scale. I weigh myself in secrecy. I do NOT want him to know numbers. Like it really matters…I’m sure Hubs learned his lesson!
>Amen to the 9:01 anonymous!I know what you mean about having something like that stick in your head, and just wanting to get it OUT- but I’ve never found the equivalent of a mental brillo pad strong enough to do it. Now that I’ve created that lovely visual for you, I’ll just say that I think that self-acceptance, when practiced regularly, does eventually work its way into those little nooks and crannies of our minds. It doesn’t clear out comments like Hubs’, but it makes it so that (eventually), those kinds of comments have no place to hold onto. You seem to be pretty damn good at the self-love already, though, so I can see why getting needled by this is so aggravating.
>i will never forget the day:i was 14, it was summer, i was watching general hospital. it was luke and laura….remember?any way my dear ol dad said i was fat and took a poloroid of my ass. i spent the next 30 some-odd years eather barfing everything i ate, or not eating at all.it was that one day, that one sentence, that changed the course of my life.words matter.thank g-d for OA.
>Wow, only 2.5 lbs away from your prepregnany weight is awesome! I lost 50 lbs a few yrs back- not b/c of something my husband said, but some snarky girls who were next to our table at a restaurant. I had left to go to the bathroom, and my husband was getting the tip together and overheard one of them say, “yeah, he’s really cute, but his girlfriend is so fat!” I returned right then, but didn’t hear that. My husband told me to go to the car, he was going to pay…well, first he headed right to their table and said, “First of all, that’s my wife, not my girlfriend- second of all, she is NOT fat!” They were stunned and started to stutter out denials/apologies, but he just said, “Whatever- next time, maybe you’ll think before opening your mouth.” I love him so- while he has made an occasional slip up(like trying to convince me to talk to my friend about her getting heavier-um, not doing that), he doesn’t mean to hurt feelings.
>MEN.that’s all I have to say about that.
>You are doing great. You just had a baby. You are breastfeeding. You have enough on your plate with four kids, a house and various blogs to take care of. You should not have to stress out about dieting on top of that. It’s not like you are a movie star with four nannies and a professional trainer. Not that you would need them. You are doing a fantastic job on your own.My husband is tall and lean. He has never dieted, nor considered it in his life. He has to work to keep weight on. Regardless, he has never ever ever given me a hard time about my weight. I am not so tall and not so lean, but not overweight. I could stand to lose 5-10 pounds.We all feel that way sometimes: Fat. A lot of it is in our heads. You will lose the last few pounds and the skin on your tummy will remember where it’s supposed to go. But these things take time and in the meanwhile, you are good to be so hard on your husband. He is not helping your well-being or that of your teenagers by putting such an emphasis on weight loss and dieting.
>Our concept of how “thin” or “fat” we are often has no relation to the number on the scale, or how we look in the mirror. I don’t think most men fully understand that.Hubs was thoughtless and boneheaded in his comment, but it doesn’t seem to be a continual state for him :^)
>Once I went to visit my Dad (parents divorced), and he asked if I’d like something to eat. I was 18 at the time, starting to put on my college freshman 15, but certainly not fat. When I told him that I’d already eaten a large meal out on the way over he said, “Well, no wonder your hips are as big as a barn.” Then he laughed.To him it was nothing more than a teasing. But to me it was crushing. I honestly don’t think men know the barbs of their words when it comes to weight. They simply do not have the same pressures or experiences that would enlighten them as to how tough it can be for females in regards to body image.Thanks for writing about this. I hope we all take some lessons about how much inadvertent words can hurt.
>As his pennance you should ask him to do a little research on having too much protein in your diet…It’s not pretty when you know the truth.And you’re doing the absolute best thing possible to return to your pre-preg weight–breast feeding!
>i’m in that position right now! I’m currently on a whopping 800 calories a day in order to (HOPEFULLY!) fit in a dress to be matron of honor for my best friend in just 4 weeks. ugh!
>i know what you mean. Be it men, or women, some comments just stick with me, regardless of how they were meant! My MIL once said something about how a certain food (that I happened to be eating at the time) was SO fatty and terrible for you, that i have trouble eating it or anything remotely unhealthy in front of her. And I realize that this is completely MY issue, but it doesn’t make it easier. I’m working on it though. đŸ™‚
>Sometimes even the best dogs need to be put into the doghouse. ; )Don’t blame yourself. What he said was wrong, and it’s okay to have been angry. You are weight conscious because he is right now. It’s not just all in your head.We still know he’s good dog. Don’t worry.
>It doesn’t matter if we’re two pounds away from our goal weight or ten; we’ll always feel fat. We’re conditioned to always be “watching our weight.”I’m so sorry your hub made such insensitive remarks. If only he knew how little it took to set us spiraling. gah.I understand. I just do.I feel more powerful when I’m hungry and starving myself. The insanity of food issues compounded by images of unattainable “perfection” can kill a girl.xo
>I don’t think guys understand how “loaded” their comments are since most of them don’t deal with weight issues the way we do. My wonderful husband (who tells me all the time how much he loves my body) even slipped up the other day. I was cleaning out a closet and found a TINY pair of shorts that I haven’t worn in years. I showed them to him and he asked “how did you get that skinny?” I told him it was right after I got divorced and I was so miserable I didn’t eat. His response was “oh, I guess you’re happy now!”
>That wasn’t kind of your hubby but it sounds like you all are a little weight obsessed. The messages being sent to your daughters is a bit concerning.
>you dont tell a woman she is fat. you certainly dont tell a woman who has just given birth that she is fat. you most definitely do not tell a hormonal breastfeeding woman she is fat. i gave birth to my second baby within days of your son… and i am about 8 pounds above my pre-preg weight.. which wasnt much to begin with. i dont know if they mean to be insensitive… its part of all their stupid macho back slapping humour. i get so mad each time the husband does it.. and he apologises. but he never learns.
>I am a healthy weight for my height, but always tend to have a little belly because my fat collects there. I was secretly convinced that I looked pregnant. Like that “is she or isn’t she” early stage. At a family gathering I was discussing having kids with someone when my adult brother (who has learning disabilities, so I can’t be mad at him for not realizing the total inappropriateness of his comment) overheard and said, “Why, are you pregnant, cause you look like you are!” At that moment I wanted to loose a million pounds! And I was so relieved when I got pregnant about six months later because I felt like I could justify the little belly, even if it was there before!
>I have no idea what you look like..how big or small. But your profile pic is just lovely and I’m sure you are quite beautiful and I bet your hubby adores you! And if you decide to lose weight, I wish you the very best cause i know it ain’t easy.
>Kudos to you! I, on the other hand, AM fat. I never used to be. And then I had a child. And the weight just doesn’t seem to want to come off. I’m still breastfeeding, but if you can lose weight doing it, then I should be able to as well. Here I sit, thirty freaking pounds heavier than when I started trying to conceive. Having to take all the hormones to get pregnant just did me right in (infertility treatments). I’ve decided that I’m not going to my class reunion — just too ashamed of myself.What’s your secret?
>Nicola, please. DUMP YOUR BOYFRIEND. You are only 21, and trust me, if the guy already has an attitude like that, it is NOT going to get better. Life is too short to hang around an asshole who will say things like that to you at “any opportunity.” He might “mean well,” but well, men who HIT their wives “mean well,” too. Seriously. Dump him. There are plenty of men out there who are not such condescending jerks! And your weight is awesome!
>My father has told me since I was about 13 that I have “child bearing hips” and I was skinny! Just what every teenager wants to hear. It seems like there are a lot of fathers who have made ridiculous comments to their daughters. What is the deal? Congratulations to you on your weight loss. I’m 2 months pregnant and I hope I am as successful at it as you!
>Good Lord, your dh could have a field day with me! I’ve still got 40lbs to lose from my 4 yr old pregnancy weight.There are times when I wonder how in the world dh can find me attractive at all – especially resently what with The Nervous Breakdown and all. Men. Such problems they are with the whole communication thing.
>OK, I just have one thing to say:Dennis is a dork. There ya go. You are better looking and smarter.Does this help?
>As a child psychologist, this entry really disturbs me. Girls’ self-images and their chances of developing eating disorders can be strongly related to parents’ attitudes about food and behaviors, including off-hand comments that may not have been made to intentionally hurt. (see this: http://www.vanderbilt.edu/AnS/psychology/health_psychology/father.htm.Perhaps hubs (who I’m sure is a loving father) should do a story about anorexic girls and their families to help learn how apparently well-adjusted, healthy, middle-class girls can sometimes develop life-threatening eating disorders that are very difficult to treat.Also, be careful how you respond to his comments. You are a role model for these young women. They are noticing how you react and respond. Would you want them, as adults, feeling repulsed by food after similar remarks?
>I hope Hubs realizes how much damage those “helpful” comments can do. I’m sure he does, since he sounds like a great guy. But he really should think before he says something that can be so damaging.Everyone on my mom’s side of my family is either over weight or considered “obese”. Major health problems are common on that side. SO I have that going against me and always have. My dad on the other hand, is very fit, borderline “too thin” and almost everyone on his side of the family is very much “in shape”. He’s not my biological father though, so I don’t get the help from those genes. The point? My mom has made comments over the years about my weight, but she’s 50lbs overweight and just wants to keep me from having the health problems she now has to deal with. I understand her point of view. But, my dad used to jokingly make oinking sounds or make comments also – and I eventually quit eating because of it. At my worst, I was biking 20 miles a day and only eating 500 to 800 calories a day. The worst part was that even with all of that, I was still considered a “normal” weight and got compliments, which fueled the problem more. I’m in my 20’s now and a mom to a three year old…and I still have a hard time eating in front of my family. My dad is a great guy, and never meant any harm in his comments – but they can leave a mark. Even now, we’ll talk about fitness or things we’ve read about nutrition and I have to keep myself from starting to obsess over my weight. Even the smallest comments can leave lasting remarks.
>To all of you anonymouses who are, for the most part, trying to give helpful advice, I have to say that overall, we’re doing a great job with the girls’ weight and self-image. 14 isn’t allowed to go on a diet and has no desire to. She is one of those naturally birdlike girls and eats anything she wants. We watch her (secretly of course) like a hawk to make sure she does and keep the pantry stocked with her favorite foods as enticement.16 wants to lose weight. 16 could absolutely lose 10-15 pounds and would probably be in better shape for sports, which she’s heavily involved in. We have been monitoring her diet closely (right now she’s on South Beach, which seems to be working, slowly but surely) and we’re getting her an appointment with a nutritionist to help her figure out the best way to lose the weight safely and effectively. I think that’s pretty darn awesome.And yeah, one remark can hurt. A lot. We all know that. That’s kind of what this post is about. On the other hand, it’s a mistake to derive our entire family attitude about eating based on that. Hubs’s diet obsessionis, at least, one of healthy eating and exercise, not one of starvation, like many of us got from our moms.
>Linds- at least your hubs made the comment in passing, and you CAN rest in the fact that he IS a good man.Last time I was CONVINCED that I had to lose 50 lbs was because it was the zillionth comment my hubs told me I was fat and he was loosing attraction to me.Now THAT guy is an A-hole.And soon to be EX hubs.I also applaud you for teaching 16 the appropriate, healthy ways to keep weight off. If she would feel better about herself -10, well it’s great! You’re doing a great job with it!
>I have suspicions that Joe might be a bit of a chubby chaser. Every time I lose weight or have had a good workout he feeds me. I’m not sure I find it all that preferable to your situation really.Men really don’t get that they should lay off the weight references.
>Maybe hubs is carrying some “residual baggage” about his own weight issues. He’s the one who needed to lose 25 pounds.
>First of all, I just saw you last week and did I not compliment you on how fabulous you looked after having had a baby? You look amazing!I have weight issues myself and have had them my whole life. My life is a giant yo-yo diet gone bad. I had family in my life who made comments like that (maybe that were intended to be funny?) which I fixated on and caused myself a lot of distress.After I had Ethan, I was in a panic because all of the weight did not fall off immediately. I decided I would take an herbal supplement to help me lose the weight quicker. The weight was flying off my body, but I couldn’t sit still and I felt sick all of the time.Fast forward to a couple of months later and I had gotten sick. I went into the doctor’s office and they tried to check my heartbeat…they couldn’t. It was racing too fast. They hooked me up to a machine and my resting heart rate was 150 beats per minute. I was also down to 104 pounds. I was told to stop taking whatever I was taking immediately, or I could die from it.Reality definitely set in. I had a little boy depending on me so I stopped taking it. It will continue to be a lifetime battle for me. As for your 16, it is really important to not say anything about it (even if she brings it up). Period. She needs all the support she can get and you don’t want her to have a weight complex.
>Daddies have a lot of power. I became obsessed at 12. I remember the day (in January – it involved a bag of chips). My dad was a wonderful, sweet man. But he made a comment (that was correct, but still) about what I was doing and about my thin cousin… On that day I vowed to be strong. I didn’t even know what anorexia was, but it began that day and lasted throughout college. Even sweet wonderful daddies say the wrong thing, just like the rest of us do, but with daughters around it can be dangerous.