>Weird Searches
>Can you tell it’s summer ’round here? I feel like I have no time to write all the sudden, what with all the stuff I’ve got going on, not to mention four kids running around the house. And that’s where you come in. I’ve been keeping a list of funny searches that have led people to this blog. Usually, I write commentary underneath each one, but right now I have a column due and I just don’t have the time to come up with anything that would do these searches justice! So please, I beg you, write something funny about any of these searches in the comments and I’ll put my favorites beneath the search terms and link to you. Or just read these and enjoy.
I’m pregnant and I don’t like kids
Jessica: DAMMIT! And all this time I thought that “not liking kids” was effective birth control. I guess I’ll have to find something else.
Pubic hair in odd places
Anonymous: Like, stuck in your teeth?
Rhymes that are mean and nasty
My flabby belly looks like I have four boobs
Kittenpie: There may be a porn for that.
“my husband” “blue balls” revenge
Do you have to have herpes in order to appear in the commercials?
Is chuckie cheese a rat or a mouse?
Marie: And that makes a difference, how? You’re willing to eat pizza and play games at a giant rat’s house, but not a giant mouse’s? What about Mickey? Huh? HUH? Is this how you embrace diversity??!!
Is it harder for boys to get stuff if their not circumcized?
Phoenix: Like what, video games?
Old Horsetail Snake: 1. What is “harder”?
2. What is “stuff”?
I’d say yes, but maybe no.
Vivilulu: No. It is harder for boys to get stuff when they have poor spelling skills.
yeah my temperature is low and I have slippery cervical mucus
Phoenix: Is this a song that I missed somehow? I think it’s has best seller written all over it.
rules for playing bored games
I need to pee so bad. I have to pee right now.
Phoenix: Water, nice streams, tinkle, ice cold soda, drop, drip, drop. (What can I say, I’m mean. Dumbass should stop Googling it and just go do it.)
fuck Edward Jones
The Wooden Porch: Nah, he’s not very cute.
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>mmm ‘k…. I’ll bite… (you get some awesome searches, Lindsay!)”Is chuckie cheese a rat or a mouse”And that makes a difference, how? You’re willing to eat pizza and play games at a giant rat’s house, but not a giant mouse’s? What about Mickey? Huh? HUH? Is this how you embrace diversity??!!”yeah my temperature is low and I have slippery cervical mucus”Do YOU like kids? Do you & your hub WANT one? Then what are you doing googling? Get Busy!”rules for playing bored games”Do youz think their r roolz? Cuz I dunno. When I’m board, I dont wanna follow any dumm roolz. Or proofread. Or anything, dude. Pass the weed…”I need to pee so bad. I have to pee right now.”Late-breaking news! There’s a solution to your problem! But I’m not gonna tell you what it is. No, you’re a big girl/boy… I bet you can figure it out. I’m rooting for ya! Go ahead, pass that weed around one more time!;-)
>fuck Edward Jones really tickled me, not sure why. It’s almost Haiku. Hell, they are all poetry.The “I don’t like children and I’m pregnant.”Hmmm. Well the bad news is that if you choose to keep the baby, it will turn into a child. The good news is that it will eventually(hopefully) grow up to be an adult.And who hasn’t found pubic hairs in weird places?
>You get some great ones….and some scary ones. “I’m pregnant and I don’t like kids” Good, cause they don’t like you either. Maybe you should try and put it back.”My flabby belly looks like I have four boobs” Take a picture and sell it on Ebay, I’m sure someone will buy it.”Do you have to have herpes in order to appear in the commercials?” Yes, yes you do. Wanna be in a lovely comercial? We take all types of people. You just have to be willing to be laughed at and scorned in public from here on out. Oh and we tatoo the word herpes on your forehead. Still wanna be in our commercials? “Is it harder for boys to get stuff if their not circumcized?” Like what, video games?”yeah my temperature is low and I have slippery cervical mucus” Is this a song that I missed somehow? I think it’s has best seller written all over it.”rules for playing bored games” Well you start by getting drunk…”I need to pee so bad. I have to pee right now.” Water, nice streams, tinkle, ice cold soda, drop, drip, drop. (What can I say, I’m mean. Dumbass should stop Googling it and just go do it.)
>Pubic hair in odd placesWe call that “brushes with androgyny” around hereDo you have to have herpes in order to appear in the commercials?Is this about that Friends episode? You know, when Joey was on the psoter and everyone kept backing away from him? Or did you meet someone, um, special?I need to pee so bad. I have to pee right now.I can’t believe I have to toilet train the readers, now, too. Get up off the chair, dumbass!
>My flabby belly looks like I have four boobsThere may be a porn for that. “my husband” “blue balls” revengeAnd that, too. Pubic hair in odd placesYep, you, too. yeah my temperature is low and I have slippery cervical mucusdon’t feel left out. Bet that’s somebody else’s thing, too. fuck Edward JonesOkay, Edward’s in, too. That’s a wrap, people.
>wow…the bizarre search terms you get just boggle my mind!
>”Pubic hair in odd places”This one immediately reminded me of the time I used to work in a small cubicle with 3 other women. One of these women was clearly insane. Another of the women was clearly Asian. One day, Crazy Woman says to Asian Woman, “Ha Young? Do Asian people have straight pubic hair?”Asian Woman says, “Cindy! I DON’T KNOW!”Crazy woman says, “Oh I was just asking because my pubic hair is completely straight.”This still makes me laugh.
>”Is it harder for boys to get stuff if they’re not curuumsized?”1. What is “harder”?2. What is “stuff”?I’d say yes, but maybe no. Does this help?
>I’m pregnant and I don’t like kids:Maybe you’ll have a kitten instead.Is it harder for boys to get stuff if their not circumcized?Yes, you’ll be turned down at the checkout at Walmart. I need to pee so bad. I have to pee right now.Me too.fuck Edward JonesNah, he’s not very cute.
>Is it harder for boys to get stuff if their not circumcized?No. It is harder for boys to get stuff when they have poor spelling skills.
>once i stop laughing, i’ll think of something clever to say 😉
>”Pubic hair in odd places”Like, stuck in your teeth?
>Do you have to have herpes in order to appear in the commercials?”It’s not a “requirement” per se, but it wouldn’t hurt . . . “OR{Rising from the casting couch and buttoning shirt} “Don’t worry, you’ll be a shoo in!”
>”I’m pregnant and I don’t like kids”DAMMIT! And all this time I thought that “not liking kids” was effective birth control. I guess I’ll have to find something else.
>Note: Who googles, “I need to pee so bad. I have to pee right now.”????
>”rules for playing bored games”1) select a game that requires someone to go bankrupt to end the game or allows any of the players to get sent back to “start”2) begin the game after dinner, after dessert, after coffee, and after after-dinner conversation – say, around 10:45 p.m.3) realize at about 10:57 p.m., when the first person gets sent back to “start” that you may have made a big mistake by starting the game in the first place.4) when you lose the first go round, suggest best out of five.
>”Do you have to have herpes in order to appear in the commercials?”Yes, and the pants check at the audition is a bitch.