>Love, Blended Family Style

I’m coming up on my sixth anniversary of being a stepmother soon and honestly, I feel like a totally different person from the girl I was when I started this gig.

Six years ago, I was a twenty-something career girl with no kids of my own. I saw my two stepdaughters every weekend and had five days a week alone with my husband.

Today, two small children have been added to our family. My stepdaughters live with us full-time. Sometimes I feel close to them. Sometimes I feel like they might as well live on a different planet. But I’ve learned a few things in the last six years, enough that I feel pretty confident giving out advice to new or soon-to-be stepmoms.

My first piece of advice is the one thing I tell any of my single friends dating a man with children: Don’t marry him if you don’t truly love his kids. No one likes to talk about this much, but since I’m not addressing anyone in particular here, let’s get real. It truly is asking a lot to love someone else’s kids. I believe it’s a calling, actually, and too many stepmoms out there don’t have it, but end up getting married anyway. Children, as we all know from being a kid once ourselves, know exactly who loves them and who doesn’t. Your husband will know, too, particularly once the honeymoon phase of your marriage is over. If you can’t love your stepchild, putting that burden on both a kid and the man you love isn’t fair to anyone.

I say this because it’s the foundation of something I’ve learned about myself after many, many years of trial and error. As my stepdaughters reached puberty and began the process of distancing themselves from their father and from me, I went through endless agonies, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Because it had to be all my fault, right? I tried being the stern taskmaster. And when that didn’t work, I tried adopting a laissez-faire attitude. I tried taking charge of making sure rules were followed. And when that didn’t work, I tried letting my husband handle disciplining them. I tried asking them a thousand questions, and I tried leaving them alone. But no matter what I tried, they were the same. Sometimes, they seem to love hanging out with me. And sometimes they can’t get away from me fast enough.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized I have what it takes to be their stepmom, not because of what I do or don’t do, but because I truly love my girls. I love them unconditionally. And knowing that, I focus now on simply being myself. It’s up to them to choose whether or not to accept what I have to offer them. I think I’m a better stepmother because of it, and only wish I had figured all this out sooner.

This post originally appeared on Parents.com.